New York, Dance, The Struggles,
Hardships, And Reaching for Glory

I loved living in New York for those brief moments in time. When I was young, things seem to fly by and yet the one-pointed focus and the demands of being at SAB were very intense.
I was not the only determined and highly engaged young dancer. Everyone there … was there because they had talent, potential, a quick mind, and they had something special inside that was detected in the auditions.
Fortunately, in my school in Texas, the competition was fierce. There were amazing dancers all around me, and I never pretended to think I was the best even in that smaller studio.
As a young person, I had to work through the tough reality, that there is always someone who has better turns, better jumps, better extension, better feet, cuter body, or comes across on stage in the way that the directors of the school wanted for certain roles.
Ballet is filled with many boys and girls with tremendous skills, talents, and abilities.
I was constantly having to admit that someone was better than I was, so of course they deserved that role.
While it is disappointing and at times devastating, it was easier to accept if one really looked at the truth in one’s personal situation.
One thinks that getting a scholarship to SAB would make one feel special.
And it did! For a minute or so.
Until one gets into the space and sees how now the talent has upleveled exponentially.
In such a space, weak illusions shatter quickly.  Large illusions shatter … eventually.
I knew I had talent but there were those with much more than I (in the talent department). Some were so amazing that before they came to this world, they must have gotten in the turning, jumping, flexibility line twice or three times before being born.
While I had the raw tools to be a good ballet dancer, what I knew I had … was a type of mindset, determination, and I clearly understood that how I saw things and how my mind recorded information was unique.
Even in school, I learned and remembered things by putting them to a song, a particular beat or rhythm, or making them rhyme. My memory is very odd in that it seems at the edge of photographic when it comes to music, rhythms, and bodies moving in time and space.
When I was a child, I counted the cracks on the sidewalk and had that obsessive compulsive trait to have the superstition to not step on the cracks.
Ballet was a godsend because I had permission to radically count and the slats on the wood floors made it impossible to not step on them. Life was filled and overflowing with patterns, sequences, rhythms, and in sensual overtones and undertones.
I understood that how one caresses the floor with one’s foot would allow me to use the force of the floor as a way to spring up and leap higher.
I could feel the earth helping me find a center as my point shoe “tip” connected into the center of the earth. I could feel the force of the air and the energy of gravity and space in a cosmic dance and I would try to figure out how to allow both to help me.
I understood that how my mind saw this world and most things were not similar to how others experienced this reality.
Personally … I like mine a lot better. To me, most seemed blind and numb to the magic that was constantly happening all around them.
I learned that my way of seeing and experiencing things was not understood or accepted. So, I learned to have enormous eyes, huge ears, and a very little mouth.
Especially in the ballet world!
Most teachers wanted to show me things and I was more than happy to have them show me their way, their reality, their deeper self through their forms of movement. It gave me a window into their heart and the passion that burned inside of them.
As a child, I knew that fire that burned inside me. But I needed to see how that same spark burned in others.
I think that is how I became different and special. Somehow, I knew that intuitively there was more happening in any moment than dancing, egos, or talent. There is a force that moves each of us and that force and I were friends. I knew that. And that was always going to be my advantage.
The good news was that once you see what others can do, and you can see the world through their lens, then the things that I once believed were impossible seem suddenly possible.
While in the school in Dallas, there were many amazing dancers that showed me how it could be done. The teachers (whom I adored and saw as my emotional parents) rarely demonstrated the tremendous prowess that they demanded.
That drastically changed in New York and at SAB. Some teachers in the school in their late 40s made me realize that my internal quibbling about if something was possible as a form of insane internal dialogue. They showed me that my mind is not often my friend. They would ask repeatedly more of me than I felt capable of doing. My internal arguments  fell flat in the face of their continued amazing ability to perform incredible feats of movement effortlessly and sometimes in sandals.
Andrei Kramarevsky was one of the teachers that I greatly respected not just for his talent but he had a unique personality. He had this ability to playfully demand us to step up and try what might have seemed impossible to us previously.
Everyone called him Krammy. Just even saying his name that way brings a smile to my face and my heart brightens a bit more.
He was the epitome of a Russian trained male principal dancer. He had a powerful jawline (that showed his determination, a broad mouth that would break out into a smile that you could not help but smile back. He had passionate eyes that wanted to ignite a fire inside every dancer to feel what he felt. He had muscles like a Siberian tiger that rippled underneath his clothing that allowed dancers to feel his solid and grounded connection to the earth, and he had a fierce fire within that made it impossible for any dancer to not feel his dynamic heart.
In general, I find the Russian soul … similar to the free-spirited American psyche. While we are still very different, we share a passion for space and largeness.
Russia is a huge country and America is also quite large. We both understand feeling the vastness of enormous spaces and attempt to expand into them.

I always noticed this energetic and vibrational similarity between the dancers in countries with vast spaces and how they would take over a stage and fill it up.

Then I would compare that to the RAD trained, Royal Ballet styles and expressions.

Great Britain is a small country, and they are fantastic with petite allegro (or the small jumps), the meticulousness of their footwork, and the delicate but subtle ways they moved their heads and hands.

But the Russians were known for their powerful leaps, never-ending pirouettes, and intense emotional outbursts (both onstage and off).

I believe it is that similar feeling of expansive energy that the Americans and Russians so deeply share that bring so many Russians to America.

The Russian spirit was so powerful … that even under communist rule … it could never be completely stifled or suppressed. The Russian people found outlets through the arts, music, writing, athletics, and (of course) dance.

The meticulous control of the English style was never my personal taste. It felt like navigating all the particular Victorian rules of how one meets with the Queen, during a ballet class.

It felt constipated to me, and I found myself often holding my breath trying to keep things small and tight.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have known many amazing Royal Ballet dancers (like Monica Mason) and they do that style brilliantly.

But for me … dance is an explosion of breath, sound, and movement. It is a powerful inhale that allows the body to fly into the air and leap over and through all obstacles.

I danced to explode out of this reality, and then reach into the vastness of space and time.
Dance for me way to expand my own energy beyond my body. Dance was a way to touch the stars. Dance was a passionate expression of what was inside that was forever trying to get out.

And that intensity that I felt inside was the same in the Russians. We could see it in each other’s eyes. There were many moments when the fires of passion could be shared, seen, and expressed without apology or reservation. I could never hide fully from a Russian dancer’s stare. They are intending to look deeply into your soul. They are evaluating you and deciding if you are worthy of the effort.

I always noticed that the Russian teachers at SAB and I were always in sync. Their classes were regimented but casually fun and there was much space and permission to try and fail, only to create ways to inspire you to try again.

The Russians knew how to allow that freedom out even in a very structured and difficult class.

Their attitude was that class is where you try things out and it is the space to discover new skills and talents.

Class is where you test the boundaries, sometimes fail, but then laugh when you are suddenly on the ground.

And that was why I loved, Krammy! His classes tested you in sequences and steps that at first seemed impossible until he showed you himself.
I was so lucky to have him as a teacher.

Krammy left the Soviet Union in 1975 and began teaching at the School of American Ballet at that time.

I got there in 1976 and so he was the new kid on the block. He was in his late 40’s when I met him, and he had a smile that would make you feel safe and accepted.

His English was not the best but if you did not understand something, he would demonstrate!

His classes always started the same.

He had a routine that he preferred to begin with, and it was always the same for the 3 years that I was there.

We start facing the ballet barre. We were to do a plie, and a relevé, and bend slightly forward and then backward, keeping the head straight. Then do the same but turn your head to the right when you would bend backwards. Do the same again and turn the head to the left when you would bend backwards. Next plie and relevé but lift the heels and roll through the feet to loosen them up before you straighten your knees. Next port de bras to the right, then the left. Next plie and extend the right leg out to the side and bring your left arm reaching out the left, then up and center and then bend over the extended leg to the right. Next rond de jambe the right leg from the side to the back and stretch as far as you can bending forward, allowing the extension of holding the barre and the back extension of the leg to elongate your spine and hips. All the while, still holding onto the barre for support with the leg extended into a split but the front leg in plie. Repeat to the other side.

It continued from there. The entire barre was the same, well-planned, perfectly structured, and it allowed the mind to relax and the body to warm up and stretch in all the best of ways.

It was so planned that one day, Krammy was late for class. We did not know why his was late, but we all decided to start the class without him because we knew what we were supposed to do.

I remember being the instigator in that moment, enrolling everyone to just begin and surprise him.

So, I asked the pianist to begin playing and that is what we did.

By the time Krammy came rushing into the studio, a bit flustered and obviously stressed, he literally stopped as he came in the door astounded to see all of us doing exactly what we were supposed to be doing.

Instantly a smile as big as Russia exploded on his face with pride and recognition that we knew what was expected of us and we were ready and willing to do it … without any external prompting.

He dropped his ballet bag, and never even got his dance shoes out. He did the whole class in his sandals. He instantly began correcting us and clapping his hands to the music while stomping his foot for effect. From that point on, the sandals stayed, and the ballet shoes never reappeared from his bag.

All of us in class could not help but smile and giggle. And he enjoyed our respectful but teasing way …we let him know … he was late!

Krammy was the most amazing when teaching the men. He was (after all) a principal male dancer from the Bolshoi Ballet.

It was common for him to demonstrate for the men by doing 8 or 9 pirouettes and finish with a series of double tour en l’airs in sequence back-to-back. I think I saw him do 8 of them in a row. Double tour, double tour, double tour, etc. Eight times. It was insane. Effortless, easy, light, and dynamic all at the same time. Perfectly placed and he barely moved off his original place on the floor.

He was endlessly funny and light-hearted in his approach. He showed us that all effort can appear effortless. He was the epitome of composure and power. He showed that ballet is a lifestyle … not just an art form.

He showed me that the grace and confidence of a dancer lives on forever inside the heart of a performer and regardless of age, that never leaves.

He showed that skill was earned through effort. He demonstrated that power comes from repetition. And that passion is the fuel that inspires us to be great.

Ballet is hard. And I mean really hard! At SAB, the tone is very serious most of the time. There is a surface layer of ease because all dancers are attempting to make things that are ridiculously hard … look easy.
A ballet studio is not the place for whiners. Complaining is not remotely tolerated. Responsibility for one’s actions is demanded, and the intention is to constantly strive to be better. Hard things are offered up to force each dancer to reach beyond their comfort zone.
Ballet is a unique form of art because ballet demands that we move in constantly shifting and changing styles, and ways. We are asked to constantly explore edges of movement, just as musicians have to find new ways to make sounds and find unique rhythms. As with music and dancers we are looking for those places of release where we move beyond the familiar and surrender into something much bigger than ourselves.
While all bodies have a natural way to move and flow that is beautiful and unique, each person also has an organic style of movement. I love to watch bodies in motion and as they are in their natural and normal ways of moving. Music is so inspiring to dancers because the differences in the music allow us to find new ways to move to that pattern, rhythm, and flow. I love how a composer of music and certain musicians and singers can catapult me beyond my habits and into something greater than myself.
Ballet is a tool to develop the muscle memory and the coordination and strength to be able to maximize such moments of inspiration and allow them to carry us into places and spaces that are unfamiliar and unknown to our body and memory. I love to watch people walking down the street and I notice how they are either present in their body or not. I love watching people dance and often I discover that while certain movements are that souls attempt to figure out how to release patterns that are inside either emotionally, physically, mentally, or spiritually.
I notice how some people will also get into habits and patterns of movement that are repetitive.
I compare this to how people move during lovemaking (because people are more in their body and more fully present while making love). We have all had those moments where there are those that get into a routine around sex that is a reflection of a person’s needs, wants, desires, and wounding. But such things end up being redundant and eventually boring.
Dance is just like that.
I can tell a lot about a person by how they move, breathe, flow, and dance. I can understand their unhealed parts that are trying to break free. I can see the struggles they continue to work with. I can feel how they hold their body and why.
Dancing is a form of intimacy and transparency.
But most dancers are feeling into themselves (which is the tremendous attraction) and allowing that organic movement to take them over and that becomes their dance, their style, and their expression.
Ballet is an art form that demands a specific type of line and beauty. Most of the positions are not “natural”, they are in the places that require extreme ranges of movement, mixed with a fluid flexibility, the strength of a warrior, and the stamina of a marathon runner.
What ballet requires and demands of the person is very different from “normal dance”.
Ballet developed a strict code and sets of rules that define what it is and why.
Ballet is all about discovering beautiful lines and painting a picture with the body and energy. Ballet constantly explores new forms and shapes. Ballet takes passion and allows it to create the illusion of flight with elongated leaps, and the virtuosity of seemingly endless spins.
But it also demands a type of charisma to do all these things that are not natural to the body, elegantly, and seemingly effortlessly, creating the illusion of the spiritual connection of the human body to the soul, and the higher levels of existence. Ballet dancers attempt to show … what the human potential could be.
We intend to show the highest emotional expressions and we try to express the complicated feelings that inflict all souls with pain and suffering, joy and rapture, in ways that allow for truth to be felt and understood. But more importantly, we attempt to show the pathways of healing that happen when we allow the body to become the vehicle for so much more than just eating, breathing, talking, and being sexual.
Ballet explores how to express emotions and feelings through the body in ways that are powerful, profound, transformative, and take an audience on a ride to the pathways of resolution, acceptance, and love.
While in our modern world, we see many with incredible abilities on TicTok. Often such things cannot express the profound emotional depth and expression that is soul fulfilling to me.
I watch in amazement while many are able to do some forms of virtuosity through movement. But sometimes those videos appear like a trick that one person and that one body can do because it is ingrained into their being, naturally.
But in ballet, we are trying to master movements that are not natural. We try to make them appear effortless, and at the same time give a quality of emotional expression to a paying audience. And we need to do that consistently on a stage, night after night. It is one thing to do a trick and only need to get one take to make something work.
It is quite another to do it night after night, on a stage in real time.
That is why ballet is so demanding. First one has to train the body, strengthen the body, then master control between the mind and the body. But then one also needs to learn to let go and allow something so much bigger than us to move through.
When those moments happen, they are special and rare. They energetically feel as if we are being transported to another dimension in time. Those moments capture an audience’s heart, as much as our own.
But these are the moments that we long to taste and touch. It is why we try so hard and do not give up. Even when our body breaks down and even when the odds are against us.
Dancers are fiercely loyal to the art of dance.
We will do almost anything for it.
Some will give everything for it.
And dance will take it all from us in the end.
We intuitively know that, and we do not care … because of those few, precious moments where all the sacrifices made sense.
Those moments when witnessed become a light of hope for humanity and this world. We show that we are much more than some animal down here generating wars, and destroying nature. We have the tools of transcendence in our makeup. And we have been given doorways that will allow us to transcend the density of just existing.
But only a few have the courage to reach for them and go through the rigors and demands that such pathways require.

~Suzanne Wagner~