The Reconnection – Hope Comes When We Understand the Real Game

 

Life and perspective shift when we face death … head on. We are forever changed and those things that we thought were so essential, when viewed from another perspective instantly become obsolete and pointless.
There are many forms of death … in a life.
In that moment in 1982, I did not know that I was going to taste so many flavors of death in such a short period of time.
Clearly, almost physically dying will change a lot of things in a person’s mind.

Stepping into a new love will do the same because we are learning to become a “we” rather than a “me”.

I was to discover that being a “we” is quite a bit harder than I anticipated. And there are times that “we” are just not really ready for holding the hearts of others so closely … even if we are trying.

But there was also a death to my own ego that was happening and it had been unfolding in many layers. Just like the psychologists speak of the “Layers of an Onion” … I too was watching and witnessing my own layers being forcefully peeled away like a knife. And just like doing that with a real onion, I could not stop the tears from falling down my cheeks or my nose from running.
The mind wants to believe we are ready but the reality is often much harder to embrace in some moments.
The next profound shift happened when one day, I received a telegram from Bruce Marks at Ballet West.

The telegram said that I needed to call him immediately as my contract with the company was in jeopardy for that following year!

First of all, just getting a telegram is enough to cause the bile to rise up in my throat. But then to feel the horror that everything I had been going through to get there might be for naught was a type of terror that I had not personally experienced.

I quickly made a long distance phone call and made sure to deal with the time changes from Europe to America I called him in his morning and that was going to be my early evening.

I hear this stern voice coming across at me from Utah and just the tone makes my heart skip a beat.

At first he is cordial but very firm. He says, “That he received a letter from the Director of the Berlin Ballet that I had not been properly released from my contract there and that he had blacklisted me for Europe and that I was obligated to stay two years because I had not given proper notice. And that I was sueing the company to break my contract with them.”

He asked me, “Is all this true?”

I quickly and succinctly explained the entire process that I had been going through and why.

I know men especially do not like women to dither and go on and on. So, I gave the facts without a lot of emotion but calmly and with a mature air.

He listened … then said, “Okay, I get the pattern this guy is doing but you need to know that I had a dancer try to break a contract with me and it was an experience that I do not want to go through again. This is where I am at. If you cannot get a proper release from the company there, I will not give you a contract here.”

I sat back stunned!

As I am contemplating what to say next, he offers up something I will never forget.

He says, You seem like an honest person who got shafted and taken for a ride because of this man’s ego. You seem to be handling this in a very mature manner but with this guy and his ego, I think you are going about this the wrong way!

I asked him then, “What way should I be trying that I have not already tried?”

He laughed and said, “Try crying!”

He continues, “The egos of such directors is massive and they want to feel as if they have all the control. You keep trying to take the control away from him and that is what is pissing him off. He is the boss! Okay, he thinks he made you … so stop being so mature and just let him think that he has broken you!”

I told him that I did feel broken because I had done nothing to him and that all I had been doing was to try to do the right thing. It was clear that Gert Reinholm was intentionally trying to hurt me.
He laughed and said, “He is! That is why you need to go in there are do an Academy Award winning performance … Cry … Tell him he is ruining your life, and sort of throw yourself on the mercy of his ego. That is what he wants! He wants to have all the control and for you to get that and understand that he had you under his thumb and that is right where he wanted you. Only then … may he decide to let you go with certain conditions of course! Know that I am open to addressing those decisions once you might know what they are. Just realize that he will want to make you suffer one way or the other. You will have to bend over backwards but dancer are very flexible … right?”

That made me crack a smile and I said I would try it. What did I have to lose? Nothing! I had clearly tried everything else and that had not worked.

That night I thought about all the ways to do this. I realized that my own ego had been attached to getting him to acknowledge my existence and what I needed. His ego could have cared less about that.
Bruce Marks was right. I had to appeal to his ego and let him feel like he was the “big man” and I was a peon and that I had no value other than the value that he had given me.

This was a game I had played before. It was the lesson that I learned from my mother and how her needs seemed to be more important than how I felt.

I realized that after getting away from home, the last thing I wanted was to play that game again.

It was a subtle pattern but I could see that I was trying to define myself and be seen with my own needs and feelings just like I tried to do with both my parents (in different ways).

I could see that this was another layer of that onion from my childhood and no wonder I was reacting so intensely.

Now, I could see how my own ego had played into Gert Reinholm’s ego. We were bouncing off each other’s wounds.

No wonder this was such a mess!

The next day, I put on my “big girl panties” and mentally prepared for the performance of my life and one that was for an audience of one!

I went into his office. Burst into tears! Sobbed uncontrollably. Begged him to let me go and that I would do anything to complete my contract here if I could go home!

He just sat behind his desk stoically and very proud with a smirk on his face with his arms folded across his chest.

After my performance, he decided after about 20 seconds of me not talking only crying, to get up and again, pat me on the back. He said that I had to fulfill both contracts and go back and forth until I had completed all the performances in Berlin for that fiscal year.

That meant that I would have to coordinate with Bruce Marks in Salt Lake City, with their shows to see how we could allow the schedules to overlap and the performances in Berlin to be the top priority.

Suddenly, it seemed possible!

Bruce Marks said he was willing to work with me.

So, I calmed down and got the performance schedule from the Director in Berlin and began the complicated process of dancing in two cities for 6 months.

Bruce Marks was willing to be more flexible with Gert Reinhold but he said that he knew many directors just like him.

On one level I thought this was going to be the end of this terrible cycle. But it was not. A couple of new ones were about to begin.

~Suzanne Wagner~

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https://youtu.be/KpAJeZtQSs8