What it is like to Dance Queen of the Willis?

People ask what it feels like to be on a stage dancing to an orchestra, feeling the bright spotlights shining down … following me as I moved about.
They ask because they can feel something deep inside calling to them. It is calling to help them know and understand something … more.
They sense that I hold some mystery and great secret.
They can see it as it shines out of my eyes. They can feel it and they want to know and understand this illusive thing that they sense.
That spotlight still shines out my eyes. It will never go away. Because my heart fully captured many moments as I stood on stages with much brighter stars than myself. And I could not help but to collect some of the light and notice that it ignited other deeper places inside that began to burn.
They still burn!
I was crystal clear that I was not the only person upon which that spotlight shone on the stage in that moment.
That light appeared in the physical dimension, but it was much more than that.
There was also a light outside this dimension that was only drawn to this place by the force of love that was so large that it managed to captivate a stage for a moment in time.
The love of the audience to ballet, the story, the beauty, and the dancers contributed to that magnetic pull that brought the light in. The love of the dancers for their art and their dedication to that art was the key in that door for the light to burn even more forcefully and with a broad and inclusive beam.
This light was the powered by the many hearts that caught on fire a long time ago. Such passions must be sparked but then, if they must be lovingly kindled. Such a fire burns through the fears and egos, and allows souls to become the phoenix that they always were.
Dancing is a dream that was given life and became form.
Ballet is a mysterious pathway lined with the stones of perfection. Ballet then painted those stones with the human emotions that longed to be expressed.
Ballet is an energy that sculpts the body into a living, breathing, and moving art.
It is one thing to create art.
It is quite another to become the art.
Dancing with Rudolf Nureyev and Eva Evdokimova that first night as Queen of the Willis, in Berlin was an invitation to their dance.
It was after all their stage. The people had come to see them. But I got to bear witness to their artistic greatness. I got to feel into the flows and patterns that they created. I got to walk in the energy flows that they laid as pathway for me (or anyone who wished) to feel into and follow if we could.
As I watched the virtuosity of Eva’s mad scene at the end of the first act in Giselle and as I see the fragile light inside a young girls heart break … my heart broke as well. Her vulnerability and honest embodiment of the emotions that humanity does not want to experience … much less express, created a space of permission for me to tell myself the truth of my own broken heart that had been denied for too long.
As Rudi embodied the character of Albrecht, using his Russian intensity and arrogant playfulness, the obvious humor of the juxtaposition became clear.
Here was Rudolf Nureyev, who in real life, was the son of a poor farmer. Now, on this stage, he is the reigning king in the ballet world.
Tonight, he is pretending he is a prince that was pretending to be a peasant.
I too was a peasant (middle class) pretending to be a Queen of the Willis. I am pretending to be arrogant Queen who is in control. When I feel my own deep insecurity and longing to be more and be stronger.
Ballet is wonderful because (as dancers) we get to become what we think we are not.
I look at Nureyev and I see the selfishness of my own youthful mischievousness. I begin to see how my intense self-focus could … accidently … hurt others.
I began to see that I was all of these characters in this ballet.
I am a young girl with a broken heart, Giselle.

I have been a selfish, mischievous, and arrogant younger person, who believed my actions should not have consequences, nor that might actually hurt others, like Albrecht.
I am just like the jealous and attachment driven Hillarion, who desires to be loved but often felt unloved and rejected by those that I loved the most.
I begin to see that I am all the parts of this ballet.
Tonight, I am to be the evil Queen of the Willis, Myrtha.
This coveted role had long been considered a gift to any ballerina because of its tremendous technical difficulty, and its confrontive and frightening character. Myrtha has a cold, calculating, and demeaning cruelty that she uses to control her army of vengeful maidens against the men of the world who do not value the gifts of love offered by young women. She plans on attacking and killing all the men who she perceived used, and abused the most precious gift any woman can offer, devotion.
As the music lifts in a crescendo, the baton of the conductor plays the last notes of music, then the curtain comes down on the first act.
I hear the applause that move into bravos, and I am carried by a wave of truth that the human condition is fraught with moments of pain and peril. I understood that all beauty is fleeting and fragile in this domain.
I could see all my own moments when I was broken and thought that could never rise again.
I saw that even at that time of greatest loss, souls still reach for redemption.
That redemption is always to follow the love.
Myrtha was showing me the monster that lived inside my heart that could not forgive callousness and could not let go of upsets in my own past.
Dancing Myrtha had become a personal healing journey for me to admit where I am merciless with others but mostly to myself. She is the opposite of everything that Giselle embodies.

This ballet was inspired by a poem by Victor Hugo, “Fantôme (Ghosts)” in 1828.

“Then trembling, she leads him to the fatal dance,
To the ethereal chorus in the fluttering shadow;
And on the gray horizon, the moon is wide and pale,
And the rainbow nights dyed with the opal reflection
The cloud with silver fringes.”
~Victor Hugo~

There had always been a question in my mind as to why Myrtha was a queen. Was she a real queen in life that had been tricked and betrayed in love and that had died in suicide? Or was she the Queen because she had the most rage and anger, and that is why she was given the power to control the suffering and fates of others? Was she a Queen of Karma coming back around to become a vengeful angel for those who has suffered? Or perhaps she had (in a fit of rage) cursed the man who had broken her heart, and in his death, the curse ricocheted back on her making her cursed to walk the earth endlessly angry and still seeking vengeance.
I stand there holding the flowers in either hand and realize with sudden awareness that I am carrying the flower myrtle, which are twigs that cause us to remember and to never forget. I see now the connection to the name Myrtha and the myrtle twigs that I am using to call the other Willis from their graves. I now understand that I am calling them to remember and to never forget.
Myrtha is a character that to me embodies powerful grace, but it has a masculine quality that is also courageous and determined.
I recognize that I am this character.
Nureyev told me how May Plisetskaya only performed Myrtha, never Giselle. Her dancing was the embodiment of power and precision in her generation. The story was that she had suffering a tremendous heartbreak before dancing this role and so this role is attached to her own pain at that time.
To Giselle, love and forgiveness are her guiding stars. Love is the answer to all her questions. Love is varied and vast.
The Giselle in me knows this to be true. My love of ballet has led me here and I know that in this moment, that such a powerful love will never leave my soul. Because the love that we feel inside, lasts forever.
That type of love lasts through time and space. It is a magnet that reaches out an invisible hand to move us towards something that we are and have always been.
So much inside of me is coming together all at once. I am feeling as if enormous pieces of myself are finally fitting into place.
As I stand in the wings warming up, my life is beginning to make sense.
As I am watching these dancers, my family, move with such practiced grace, I am honored to be among the talented few that get to experience this moment.
I am humbled and happy. I am honored and do not want to waste one breath without attempting to feel it thoroughly.
This ballet, Giselle, shows our best and worst selves.
Because of the flash of insight from these bright lights and stars dancing on the stage, I am beginning to understand that I am all the complex characters that dance inside my mind.
Now, it was going to be my moment to dance.
Myrtha sets the tone and mood for the second act of Giselle. She is a ghost after all. She is spooky, and embodies the control and power that I so desperately want to feel in my life. She asks me to be unyielding and bent on the destruction of destroying Albrecht.
I intend to do her bidding.
To embody her fully, will require me to find those places inside that now realize that I have been fearing to find.
I don’t like to see myself as a hateful person.
She would beg to differ.
I do not see myself unrelenting.
But she demands me to have no pity on Albrecht.
I go downstairs to put on my costume and look at who I am becoming in the mirror.
I do not like what I see. And that is good.
The self-conscious insecurity of Suzanne … is somewhere else.
In her place, the reflection of my years of determination disguised as sweetness, are finally becoming unveiled.
I see in my eyes the haunted look of a hunter seeking to find something to feed upon. She seeks to find something that will satisfy this craving inside.
I am a hungry ghost desperate to inflict pain on those that I have deemed deserve my wrath.
The costume is tight with the boning in the bodice. Perfect for the mood of this character’s cold demeanor.
She is dead after all, who needs to breathe?
My body is covered a white pancake that goes from my face, down my chest and back, and down my arms and hands. It reflects the ghostly quality that I am to embody.
The white makeup accentuates the thinness of my arms and boney quality of my collar bone and upper ribs. I look like a corpse beginning to rot.
I look … perfect!

I put my point shoes on and feel how oddly comfortable it is to be standing, walking, and balancing on my toes. I feel of the earth and yet … not.
I go upstairs to the stage and begin warming up with the jump sequences to get my legs warm. I am ready to leap higher than I ever have done before.
I intend to … fly!
I practice some of the balances and the penché that this character is required to do both to the right and to the left. A difficult step sequence because of the roundedness of the tip in the point shoes.
It makes the foot want to wobble. But Myrtha commands that my foot stay still and precise while I lean forward with my arms as a counterbalance to stabilize this tricky move.
Rudi comes in dragging his cape in tow, casual, and at ease. He is not at all feeling what I am feeling.
I can see that I need to relax a bit.
While my character is very serious, I do need to allow the fluidity to still move through my body.
So, I start to jump lightly and shake my arms and legs to get rid of the nervousness and lessen the hold that Myrtha has on my mind.
He is still focused but you can tell that he has done this role a hundred times on the greatest stages in the world. To him this is just a day at the office.
This is my first time and it matters a lot to me.
I tell myself that I need to relax and calm down but my character is not calm, nor does she seem to want to calm down. Adrenaline is surging and I am having a slight battle with myself … inside.
I acknowledge to the Queen inside of me that she will ultimately win but I just want to be here to feel and fully remember, this moment.
She at least agrees on that point.
The audience gets quiet, the mist is filling the stage from the dry ice machines as the conductor comes in and I begin to hear the customary applause of the audience and he asks the audience to acknowledge the orchestra.
Then overture begins.
At the proper moment, the curtain rises to a dark forest scene, foreboding, and ghostly.
Hilarion comes with wildflowers in his hands, and he is searching for Giselle’s grave. He is lost and feeling guilty for his jealousy that contributed to Giselle’s death.
Suddenly he feels that there is something very spooky about this forest and becomes frightened by the sights and sounds. Then he runs off into the darkness.
This is my cue.
I have a veil over my head, to signify that I am rising from the grave. I “bourrée” from the back of stage left to the top of stage right. This is a step that makes the ballerina seem to float across the mist, and my feet are almost hidden in the dry ice fog.
As I go out, I tell myself, “I am the embodiment of a ghostly apparition gliding in the air. I am not of this world.”
As I go off stage right, I remove the veil and return with sprigs of myrtle in my hands to consecrate a space to summon the other Willis to the space to eventually welcome our newest member Giselle into the flock of Willis.
I am alone and in command of the stage. All are looking right at me. I am a moving embodiment of living art tonight. I alone am here to consecrate this space and to bring others into this very special moment of dance.
Myrtha is creating a space for me to step into. She is inviting me into her dance and showing the power and control that such a moment requires to make magic happen.
The other dancers rise from their graves and bow to me. Without acknowledging their allegiance, they remove their veils and also begin to dance.
We are dancing for a life lost.
We are dancing for a love lost.
We are dancing because dance is the only love that will never leave us.
As the music increases, my dancing becomes a series of powerful leaps and complicated jumps. I am flying on this stage. I feel the power surging through me. I feel connected to all the other dancers and know that in our hearts we are all one.
I am in heaven in this dark and foreboding place. I am a light in the darkness but I am about to cause more suffering and pain.
I call to the spirit of Giselle to rise up from the grave. Slowly like a softly spreading mist she comes out of the grave to stand and bows at my feet.
I grasp her veil and quickly pull it off her head, commanding her to dance. Instantly she begins spinning rapidly and in a brilliant display of virtuosity and skill she leaps and spins out into the forest, her last step before she leaves the stage an effortless suspended balance after a rapid chain of turns.
Feeling as if I have completed the task to free the spirit of Giselle, I leave the stage and get a moment to breathe and regroup.
Now, is Nureyev’s classic moment. Albrecht comes in with a classical etched face of grief, wrapped with is cloak as if he is trying to keep warm in this cold place of death. He is carrying Lilies for the grave of Giselle. The lilies are the symbols of innocence and true love.
Nureyev’s entrance is the epitome of his ability to portray a character. The depth of his sorrow calls to the soul of Giselle and she comes to him softly. He at first does not notice her but then feels her presence before he sees her.
He asks for forgiveness, and she gives it to him. And they go off into the forest.
Hilarion comes in, trapped by the Willis and I have him thrown into the lake to drown.
The Willis find Albrecht and intend the same gruesome ending, but Giselle pleads for the life of Albrecht and instead he is required by Myrtha, to dance until his death.
I love this point in the theater because I am in the corner but all my hard dancing is now complete for the evening and I get to be to the side watching these amazing dancers dance together. They are a lovely embodiment of grace, goodness, passion and pain. The first two are Eva to a tee, the later are Nureyev.
Because Giselle loves him, she dances with him to give him strength and incentive with the power of her love.
With her help, Albrecht is able to survive until dawn.
That is when the power and spell of Myrtha is finally broken, and all the Willis are forced by the power of the light to go back into their graves.
I become the last person to bourrée off the stage, leaving an almost dead Albrecht with the relieved Giselle.
Then Giselle and Albrecht say goodbye, realizing that what they had was true love. That finally frees Giselle from being a Willis and moves her soul into the light.
Albrecht realizing what he has lost, picks up the flowers she has given him at the end and collapses finally understanding that true love is forgiveness, and that true love conquers all.
The curtain comes down on the pained expression on Nureyev’s classically etched countenance.
Bravo’s erupt from the audience. They have loved it. Nureyev and Eva were spectacular.
I am so filled with personal pride for this performance. I believed I had done the best I could do under the circumstances. I am happy and content.
The curtain opens to the corps de ballets and they take their bow and step back.
Hilarion and the mother of Giselle come out and they take a bow.
The Peasant Pas de Duex could come out and take a bow.
This is now my moment, I come out from the back of the stage and run forward, to take my bow, I am hearing bravos, and I am so deeply grateful and humbled. And I step back.

Then Nureyev and Eva come out together.
Now, there is a standing ovation from the audience. Eva is always graceful and clearly a loving kind embodiment of her character Giselle.
Rudi walks and moves like the king he has become through is determination and talent. He commands the stage and the attention. Eva is so even in her temperament; she does not take offence in anyway. She is so willing to allow Rudi to carry the moment.
Together we bow again, and the curtain comes down on an amazing moment for me and the audience.
I take a curtain call when the stage crew, lifts up the curtain from behind. This is how the dancers can go out in front of the curtain to bow and then I am complete for this amazing night of magic.
I go to my dressing room and change. I am exhausted and so very pleased. I look at the 75 lilies in my dressing room and the card and I don’t want to ever forget this moment.
As I wipe off the stage make with cold cream and take my hair down, I begin to realize how tired I am.
Because of the stage make up, I take a shower to remove it all and as the women’s and men’s dressing rooms are on different floors, I walk down the hall in my towel to my dressing room.
With the makeup off, I see … just Suzanne again. But a more mature Suzanne is staring back at me, a hint of Myrtha is still behind my eyes, and I tell her thank you!
Then I thank all the ballerinas that danced this character before me and then I thank all the ghosts that walk the haunted hallways of this theater.
I know I am not alone. I know that without all their help and support I would not have come this far this fast. I say a silent thank you to my teachers in Dallas, and SAB.
What a wonderful life this is! What a wonderful thing was this moment in time.
I get dressed and go out the door to meet my mother knowing before I see her that she is going to be beaming with pride.
I know what this moment has meant to me, and to her.
I breathe a sigh of relief, because I know I have won this battle.
Then I thank my own inner child for gifting me this dream, believing in that dream, and dedicating her life to becoming that dream.

~Suzanne Wagner~