Blog – Story of Standing Up for Oneself

 

Many years ago, I went to an extremely expensive personal growth workshop in New York State. I did not know what I was in for. I was young. I think I was in my early 30’s. I was on my journey for self-awareness that had started in my late teens and had moved through many personal growth workshops, yoga and meditation retreats, fire walks and ropes courses. I had learned techniques related to Connected Breath Therapies, and healing modalities and became a Kundalini Yoga teacher. I was at the stage of my development internally and externally that I did not fear putting myself into odd or strange positions where I would have my patterns actively and sometimes aggressively confronted. I trusted my center and my core. I believed in myself and who I was. I recognized that fear was the doorway to enlightenment.

So, when some of my friends wanted to do this particular workshop, I was all in. We had no idea what we were in for but as experienced workshop junkies, we knew it would be for our greater good.

So off we went and rented a car to get to a very old time, boys camp after the summer season was complete. It was September in the deep woods of New York State and a beautiful time to be in such a place.

Excited, we show up to the event, and the first thing was that the facilitators and assistants demanded our car keys!

Workshops often use control issues and do things that make one instantly begin to stress out. For me, I knew this ploy and did not fall for it. For some, them taking the keys to the cars violated their rules of having control. Clearly that was exactly the intention.

Then I start reading the waiver. I am a full-on waiver reader. I learn a lot about what is about to transpire by reading such things all the way through. This one was 4 pages long. This is very long in my book. In fact, it felt like a book. Clearly this entire workshop was designed to push us up against our edges and make us confront all issues around control.

After signing the waiver, I turned to my friends that were waiting for me, they clearly did not read it all the way through and I smiled and laughed saying, “I’ll bet you $20 that we are going to end up ‘butt naked’ in this workshop shortly!”

They looked at me shocked and astounded. And said, “What are you talking about?” I smiled knowingly and said, “You clearly did not read all the fine print.”

So, we start the workshop, and they begin by going over all the rules of the space. Having a tight container and a space where there is agreement of the container is critical for promoting a space where others feel safe.

There are many ways to grow. Most workshops promote that safety so that others can find a way to open with less trauma. But there is a second way that workshops are run. And that is about a style of “in-your-face” confrontation!

This is the old EST style. The method is to break down the ego and not allow the person to go into any of their escape patterns or habits. Trapping them by taking their keys was the first clue. Making them sign their life away with a crazy waiver, was the second. But even more was going to transpire, and it was going to happen … immediately.

We start the workshop and halfway into the day, they put on some music, and we are all dancing around. It is fun but then the assistants start taking off their clothes. Some people are shocked, but I just smile knowingly and gesture to my friends about what I had said earlier. They suddenly seem very uncomfortable. As does everyone in the room … except me.

After my years dancing and dealing with costume designers, quick change booths, and being in tights and leotards all day, what I am not … is bashful. And at that time, I was also a professional massage therapist, and I dealt with naked bodies all day. So bashful is not my norm. But for others, this was a real edge.

The assistants start coming over and enticing others to take their clothes off as well. A beautiful African American woman comes up to me and says, “Come on honey! Take that top off.”

So, I do! My friends are saying, “Suzanne what are you doing?” I smile and say, “I warned you! You just wait! At least I am getting a warmup!”

Sure enough, the next announcement is that the rest of the workshop is in the nude, and everyone is going to have to take their clothes off and then they will put on some music and allow us to get comfortable being in front of others in the nude.

And they were true to their word.

There is nothing like being confronted, while being nude. It is a type of vulnerability that is unique. This was a new level of confrontation.

From there things on one level got wild because giving permission to be nude brought out the inner child in everyone. So, it is like being a young kid playing in the sprinklers, nude … with other kids. It was raucous and like someone had let the genie out of the bottle.

On another level the facilitator seemed to have some secret permission to take things to a whole new level.

He announced that this entire workshop was going to be about enrolment for other workshops. They called it a game! The game was to see which groups could make them the most money. Whoever made the most money through their “points” system would win.

But first we had to create groups. The facilitator picked group leaders and I was the first one picked. He said, I am picking Suzanne because she is a “Harmonics Master.”

I think to myself, “What the hell is a Harmonics Master?
But I think, this workshop is going to be confrontational. Being in charge of a group is going to give me an advantage so I am going to take it!”

That allowed me to pick my group and so I asked the angels to light up those that would be perfect for my group. And sure enough there were lights above the heads of different people.

So I get my group and then they tell us their points system. Getting people to put a down payment for their workshop had the highest points. But we could send flyers with a note and put them in envelopes and send it to others. That had less points but it was something.

I take my group to the lake and tell them, I am not playing their enrollment game but we have to look like we are going through the motions.

For some reason, I just happened to bring my entire data base with me with addresses and names. I did not know why I bought that list. Intuition clearly directed me to do it. But I said, “We are going to send flyers and personal notes, put them in envelopes and send them off. However, the note is going to say, Suzanne is at this workshop, and she wants you to know that you should NEVER take this workshop. It is $10,000 and the game is a week of enrollment for their workshop.

We sat there day after day, doing that, making points and I was navigating the feelings arising from the group on how “F**ked UP” this was. There was a lot of processing going on in my group. People were really pissed and triggered.

The real assistants kept coming up to me and saying that I was not doing it right and that I was not playing their game correctly because I was not forcing my group to try harder. But trust me … there were really pissed off people in my group that wanted to leave and report this group to the Better Business Bureau!

Shockingly out of all the groups we were in 2^nd place. The first place group had a millionaire in it that bought workshops for members in his group. There was no way to compete with that. Besides I was ethically and morally capable of seeing that this workshop was in trouble financially and this “game” was there way to try to save themselves from disaster.

Finally, in frustration, the assistants and facilitator decided to confront me in front of the whole group. Of course, while I was naked! There were 80 people in the workshop and 12 assistants and the main facilitator. They start yelling at me and pounding me with Cracker Jack phrases that might work for others but would never work for me, saying things like, “You always come in second. You don’t have what it takes to get to the top! You are a failure in your life and will never make it or succeed unless you do it our way!”

At that point, I just start laughing. At first, they don’t know what to do. They are irritated and taken a back. For most people, that would make them compete and get aggressive or angry. But here I was laughing.

I am not just laughing I am guffawing!

They finally (out of sheer frustration) say, “Why are you laughing?”

And that is with a smile on my face and total confidence in who I was and what I know myself to be, without any desire to sell out in any way, I say, “You are the ones that have no clue as to who I am and what I have done with my life. While your tactic would work for 99% of the people on this planet, I am not that 99%. I am a retire professional ballet dancer. I have done leading roles with stars of the ballet world. I have performed in Lincoln Center and Kennedy Center as well and traveled internationally and performed around the world. Let me tell you something. I have never played small, and I am at the top of my field. None of you have a clue what it really takes in the real world to get to where I am standing. Why would I take advice from souls who are just learning about power and their inner self? None of you are qualified to give me feedback in this regard. Now, I am not saying I am perfect. I am not saying that I am enlightened. I am not saying I am not working on karma. But the level that you are playing is way below the level that I play at. Once you have achieved half of what I have achieved we can have a discussion. Other than that, you are now welcome to ask me what each of you need and what you need to understand as your next steps. You see, you do not understand something critically important. While breaking down people’s boundaries and egos will help them open, you fail to see that in the process of doing it that way you have also harmed them and injured them. Eventually you will have to fix those things and that is called karma. And the person will have to reclaim their boundaries in order to heal themselves from your override. You see, there are levels of awakening that your tactics are helpful. But they only work on really stuck and damaged people. Eventually a soul evolves and wants to share and engage in inspired feedback … not be beat over the head with a stick. “

Needless to say, you could have heard a pin drop. No one knew what to say. Because there was nothing that they could say to that.

I wish for each person to know themselves so fully that you cannot be swayed by the mass consciousness of another’s dysfunction.

I wish for each person to know how to stand up for oneself from a place of honor and respect for the path that they have walked.

And I wish for others to recognize that it is not what we do that has value. It is in being fully who we are in the right moment for all to see and witness.

That is how you become a beacon of hope and light that can inspire others to seek truth rather than knowledge.

~Suzanne Wagner~