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Tribute to Ann Etgen

You gave me the joy of performing that I saw in your sparkling eyes.

You taught me the discipline that let me reach for the skies.

I learned the balance between power and grace.

I learned that art was more than just a pretty face.

I discovered that I could do much more than I dreamed.
I learned to trust the air into which I leaned.

You helped me become a shining beacon of hope.

I learned to give others permission to be an emotional kaleidoscope.

May you rest in a place that is filled with your creative spirit.

May you know you are loved and forever hear it.

~Suzanne Wagner~

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Last night I dreamed of one of my first ballet teachers Ann Etgen from the Dallas Metropolitan Ballet. She and her husband, Bill Atkinson were instrumental in me becoming the ballerina that I was.
They saw my potential and nurtured it. Even in the face of my father’s disapproval and his refusal to pay for any more ballet lessons because he wanted me to go to college and have a “normal” life.
When I explained my situation, they waived all the ballet class fees for the rest of my time there. I truly saw them as my emotional parents. They allowed me to feel what I felt and express it through my whole being. That was something that in my father’s reality was not acceptable or socially appropriate.

While I tried to be tough like my father, I was instead, a deeply feeling, sensitive, and intuitive person. Those teachers gave me the outlet and breathing room to accept and embrace my totality.

Many years ago, I went back to try to thank them, but they decided to not go to dinner with me because they were tired. In that moment, I experienced a level of hurt that I did not expect. Instead, I tried (in my emotionally tender way) to say what I wanted to say over the phone as that was my only option.
I know they were surprised at the intensity of my feelings of gratitude and suddenly felt uncomfortable in their refusal to connect and have dinner. Sometimes we miss precious moments that never come again but I tried to thank them as best as I could during a very emotional moment.

Last night I had a dream about Ann. She was in a studio, and I was teaching her the beginning of the court dance in Romeo and Juliet. She was happy, excited, and full of energy to be there. I was so happy to see her also. We had a great time laughing and dancing.

When I woke up, I wondered if she had finally passed to the other side.
I do not remember dreaming of her before, but I am sure there must have been moments that I did dream of her but in this moment I cannot quite grasp those memories between sleep and wakefulness.

Regardless, I am sure something either is happening or has happened and that is not surprising because she must be in her early 90’s now.

Regardless, today I send out love and appreciation to her and all those teachers who so selflessly gave me the confidence, skill, and emotional complexity to dance on a stage and embody my most vulnerable self.

May we meet again, in another time and place.

~Suzanne Wagner~

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