The Ballet … West – Way of Things

 

We can observe things …
But that does not mean we know all the facts of underlying situations.

We can never truly understand because we are not walking in the shoes of another person’s life.
The personas of some artists cannot be fully trusted because they are natural performers.
Artists are masters of disguise and putting on a character is almost second nature to them.
It is so effortless, that often, we do not even realize we are doing it.
I had learned this from my father.

He was an amazing man on many levels. He was on the cutting edges of electrical engineering and won the Haggerty Award for his amazing contributions to our world.
But inside he was deeply insecure.

It was unnecessary because of his brilliance. And yet, that insecurity was there. Like a small hole in a dam leaking his energy out in minute ways.

However, my father was a performer. When he walked into a room … this persona that was “bigger than life” would appear. He was charming, funny, intelligent, and could roll with anyone and any conversation.

I am a lot like him. I even look like him.

Thanks Dad!
At least you were very handsome.

From a young age I learned that what one feels inside should never stop us from reaching for great things … on the outside.
I saw that especially with great people … their ability to deal with huge insecurity and self-doubt was a way of life.

One cannot be truly great if we think we already are. Those that achieve tremendous things in life … have a part of their soul that will forever reach into the areas that they have yet to explore.
They embrace their insecurity and allow it to focus their attention at the details that others miss.

It is not that artists don’t feel the fear, but great people continuously learned to face that fear.

I also saw that empowering any external persona … comes at a high cost. It takes a lot of energy to maintain the powerful ego parameters that are required in such situations.
Bruce Marks was a dream director on many levels.

He was an Aquarian, which is not normal because Aquarians love to have the freedom to do what they want. They are highly creative and innovative, a blast to hang out with … but because of that need for freedom, they do not often stay in one place for long.

Bruce Marks had figured out how to be this very creative director and to be highly innovative while maintaining a type of apparent stability and consistency in the outer world.
Being a Leo, I am always attracted to charismatic people that can appear bigger than life. But being one myself … I always know that what someone shows … is not necessarily what someone feels or is deep inside.
And I was beginning to grasp the cultural differences between Berlin and Utah.
The culture in Berlin is careful, a bit dark, withdrawn, and often quirky in an “avant-garde” way.
The culture in “Morman” Utah was clickish, and sweet as punch … on the surface. But underneath … it had a seething pattern of control that was difficult to detect at first.
While I had never felt really safe in Berlin … In Utah I felt very safe.

Now remember … that I had lived in Manhattan (at not the safest moment in history) and so it was a great feeling to have … after being in New York City, and then in the middle of the Eastern Block countries to actually feel … safe.
I learned later that my father helped point nuclear weapons at Russia during the Cold War for NATO and that he had one pointed at East Berlin.
That was probably why he gave me an American Express Gold card and told me that if he ever called me and said to drop everything and go to the airport and take the first flight out of Berlin. That I was to use this card.
And as a dancer in Berlin we had traveled to Israel during the conflicts with Egypt. And that was anything but safe. Bombs were going off in café’s and people were dying around our time there.

I remember being a young and perhaps slightly flippant American as we entered into Israel. Let’s just say that the customs officials let me have it in no uncertain terms.

I realized that the freedoms we had in America, I had probably taken for granted. Europe has weathered two world wars and the scars of those wars still could be seen and felt on the land and in the people.
Israel had been at war for over 4000 years, and they cared not for the arrogance of my American sense of superiority and entitlement.
I learned that day to be grateful for what I had and to never take it for granted.
I have learned to really dive into history and to never think that I have all the information in any situation.
I have learned to look into the shadows that linger in the corners of the eyes of some people. I have learned that if I cannot see someone’s shadow … that means that I probably should not trust them. Because a well-hidden shadow will emerge and bite one in the butt when we are not looking or if we are in a vulnerable state.
With Gert Reinholm, I chose to not notice his shadow and the danger that it was until it was too late.

Now in Ballet West, I had learned from my past mistakes and had determined to not do that pattern again.

To this day, I still work with this lesson.
I know that inside everyone has a light and a dark side that are attempting to work together.

But most suppress their shadow and so that shadow becomes a saboteur … or a part that will lash out in unexpected ways and harm others, believing that it is protecting the soul.

I know I can trust a soul that is comfortable with the light and the dark side of themselves and when I can seem them dance in the flashes across the eyes and energy fields of that soul, I oddly feel safe.

Denial of the darkness within our own unresolved parts and our wounding, allows that shadow to have control over our mind, our hearts, our opinions, and our biases. Denying anything makes us blind to the truths that are lurking in the shadows.

I became (in my life) a soul that sought out those shadows.
I enjoyed the company of those that could tell the raw and real truths of who they were unapologetically.
To me, that showed a more conscious person who was unafraid to face the darkness within.
I enjoyed the company of these souls because that type of integrated shadow was not a threat to me in any way.
I don’t like the pretenders in the world. There is a great difference between a pretender and an artist that is willing to face the darker emotions within and use them as fuel to become better and more awake in a world that wants to live in a “Polly-Pure heart” reality.

In certain circles, spiritual arrogance is a really dangerous trend.
Those that believe that they are perfect and without conflict or distortion … are lying. Those that have been willing to look foolish, confused, and at times a bit crazy, are doing the work that create a heathier and more balanced reality, society, and person.
Bruce Marks had clearly done more work in this area than most directors. That gave him a type of calm, non-chalance. There was a more genuine quality that was approachable and while no one is perfect, his mannerisms and ways had a calming effect upon my weary soul that was exhausted by all the facades in the ballet world.
He offered a type of light and energy that my soul craved and that I needed at that time more than I understood.
I will be forever grateful for that particular quality that he offered. I am sure some did not see what I saw. We all will project our own unresolved issues on others. But most had not lived through … what I had lived through.

For me it was a breath of fresh air that engendered hope and a newfound faith in myself.
I was in desperate need for someone to believe in me and have faith that I had something special inside that was trying to get out.
While he was a director, for me he was a type of coach that sat back in the wings and held an excitement of what I might be capable of.
Around him, I felt that a dream finally coming into its hidden potential. It was something I wanted but something that I did not know how to do all myself.

Great gifts in my life usually come at a great cost. This one was to be no different.

I think he and I were both seeking a type of freedom. Freedom to be who we were rather than who others expected. There was a mutual respect there that was a thin thread, but it was there.

Respect in ballet is hard earned.

We see the effort in others and if we have sought out that same quality in our life, we recognize it in another.
Ballet West was a perfect name for this company.

It harkened to a past of the Wild West and the rebellious souls that sought their fame and fortune in an unruly and untamed world.

Ballet West and Bruce Marks would give me the freedom to explore beyond the parameters and style of my training at SAB and the Russian lineage of the Berlin Ballet.

I remember, getting ready in the dress rehearsal at the Kennedy Center to do the principal role of Allegro Brilliant and I said to Bruce Marks, “I know how to do this in the New York City Ballet style. I can also do this in the Russian way. Do you have a preference?”
I will never forget his response. He said, “We are Ballet West, not New York City Ballet or the Berlin Ballet. We do not have to do it their way. We did not fight to come here to be a copycat of those other companies or styles. I want you to go out there and do it your way!”

I will love him forever for that one statement!
~Suzanne Wagner~