Berlin to Ballet West – The Long Way Around – The Whole Story – Part One

 

There are moments when the soul knows it is time. I had lived in Berlin for 3 years and I faced a dilemma.
I knew that I needed to give a year’s notice to the Berlin Ballet in order to leave.
I knew that If I stayed 5 years that I would not get back the money that I had put into the social security system in Germany for retirement.
Once I had stayed 5 years, I would get nothing back. But if I left at the 4-year mark, I would get 100% of it back. I was going to be a few thousand dollars. Perhaps as much as ten thousand dollars. The number was a bit of an unknown at that time and I could not seem to get a straight answer out of anyone.
But there was a catch.
There is always a catch!
That catch was that I had to keep my checking account open in Germany till that money came through. And that would take approximately six months or more. I had to have a minimum balance also kept in that account.
That meant that I would have to have someone else on that account and after that money came in, I would have to have that account closed by the other person and the money transferred to my accounts in the US.
This would then register in the US as income and there would be taxes that needed to be paid on that money.
As you can see, things became very complicated.
I needed someone that was German to be on that account and to watch for when the money came in. Then to transfer it when it did come in, and then close that account.
Once again, it was Ghissy to the rescue. She agreed to be that go-between and to do that for me. I agreed to give her a third of the money for her effort.
It was a fair exchange.
But that was just the beginning. Believe it or not, I had to generate a plan before I was going to audition in the US for work.
That meant that if I was leaving in the summer or fall of 1982 … I had to start planning in the beginning of 1981 because of the requirement from the Berlin Ballet that we give a year’s notice.

I was young. I was terribly naive. I did not really think that people would be as vicious as they were in real life.
So, before our break from the Berlin Ballet (which was from late July-August each year), I would have to schedule auditions and arrange flights, hotels, etc. to be able to put another job together.
(The Berlin Ballet had 6 weeks paid vacation each year. A luxury that no dancer in the US would ever see. Even to this day.)

There are moments when we do not realize what we have.
There are moments when something inside guides us away from places that are not a correct fit towards things that will require risks from us that we do not see, could not comprehend, nor would we be able to understand from our current level of comprehension. And yet we will still leap. Leap into a total unknown to us but one that the angels and guides are very clear about to help us transcend the karma of this life and become a better person.

I have learned that angels do not always guide us towards peace, love, happiness, and joy.
Angels guide us toward those next series of lessons that will become necessary for our growth, evolution, and spiritual awakening.

People mistakenly believe that once … one is connected to guides and angels … that their life will be easy, blessed and that the conflicts of life will dissipate.
Nothing could be further from the truth.

We each are walking with bags of karma to sort and work through in this life.

No one can do that work for us. Each of us will have to do those pieces personally and often alone.
In my idealistic world view, I just trusted that my choice to leave … was the right one.
I believed that something better was on the other side.
I felt confident in my skills and abilities.

In Berlin, I had grown up so much! I had learned a language, I had adapted to a culture, and I had been given opportunities to become a better dancer and more in the limelight.
“Surely there was something even better out there!”

I believed it with a fervor that only the young possess. The illusions that 20-year old’s have, allow us to be certain that we are on our path in life.
Before the break in 1981, I began looking at American companies to audition with.

Quickly I learned that the American contracts start in May and European contracts begin in September.

That meant that the American auditions often happened in January of the year that the company started back in May.

I was trying to audition in July/August for the following May. But they had just started back, and I quickly learned that none of the companies were remotely interested in auditioning me at those times. They did not even know what dancers they were going to need the following year, and, to them, it was pointless to even come and audition.
My excitement quickly turned to abject frustration and disappointment. I had to audition at those times.
But those were my only times that I could be in the US and it would be impossible to “sneak” away from the Berlin Ballet … because the schedule would not allow me being gone for a week to do an audition in the US. It would take a day to get to a place to audition, a few days for the audition, and then to fly back to Berlin.

There were two exceptions, San Francisco Ballet, and Ballet West.
Both of those Companies understood the contract differences between European and American Companies. They were more open to auditioning me at such an early time.
The truth was … that at that time, there were not that many ballet companies that fully employed dancers in the US. They were American Ballet Theater, Joffrey Ballet, Dance Theater of Harlem (and I had to be African American), Alvin Ailey – American Dance Theater (And I would have to be of mixed race), Pittsburg Ballet, Philadelphia Ballet, Houston Ballet, Pacific Northwest Ballet, San Francisco Ballet, Ballet West, Dallas Ballet (very small), American Repertory Ballet, Atlanta Ballet, Boston Ballet, Charleston Ballet, Cincinnati Ballet, Louisville Ballet, Nevada Ballet Theater, New York City Ballet, and Tulsa Ballet.

I am sure there were more small ones, but I was looking for a job that would pay the bills full time and not working only seasonally.
My father did a search with his connections in the government, and he told me, “Do you know how many people put on their Federal Taxes that they are a Ballet Dancer?”

I said, “No!”

He said there were only 678 people in the whole country that said their money was from being a full-time ballet dancer.

Wow! That shocked me. It shows how few options were available when you realize that the big companies such as American Ballet Theater, New York City Ballet, Joffrey Ballet, San Francisco Ballet, and Ballet West were considered the largest and could put on a full-length ballet because they had enough dancers and staff.
I quickly realized how limited my options were in the US.
I also did not realize how poor the pay was going to be.
I was again, an idealistic, young dancer and just assumed that pay scales in the richest country in the world would be similar to what I was getting paid in war-torn Germany.

I could not have been more wrong!

I was totally blind to the numbers and the costs of living in the US.

In Germany there was cheap public transportation. In the US, one needed a car, car insurance, and gas money.

Regardless, I continued to have faith that something would show up.

And there were two glimmers of hope. Ballet West and San Francisco Ballet.

San Francisco was my favorite because my uncle and his partner lived there, and I had a place to stay for free … just to get my footing … if need be.
It just so happened that at that time, my sister was also getting married. And excitedly, she asked me to be her maid of honor! I was thrilled because we had some very difficult times as siblings and the battles between us were at moments … severe.

The fact that she even asked me was a huge shock and I was bound and determined to do a great job for her and to make this wedding as perfect as possible.

That created a bit of a kink in my tight lay-off schedule from the Berlin Ballet and to do all the auditions at the same time.

I contacted San Francisco Ballet, and they oddly referred me to Richard Cammack – Director of the San Francisco Ballet School to do the audition.

I asked why I was not able to do Company class (which was the regular way such things are done) with San Francisco Ballet?

They said that Richard Cammack sorted all the potential dancers and that they wanted dancers to have come from their school.

I protested calmly and explained that I did not have time to waste my time, as I was on lay-off with the Berlin Ballet and that my time was limited. I told them that if my qualifications were not interesting to them that I would look elsewhere.

They insisted that this was how things were done in San Francisco Ballet.

So, I called Richard Cammack and explained my situation and request. I said I had spoken to the San Francisco Ballet, and how I had been referred back to him.
He explained that I was to take the schools classes and that he and the teachers would evaluate me and decide if I was a good fit for San Francisco Ballet.

I told him that my sister was getting married and that I was the maid of honor and so I needed to know the exact dates and days that he wished to see me.
I told him that San Francisco was my first choice, and I was giving him top priority. But I had other auditions to do.

He said that I needed to be at the school for 5 days taking classes. And then they would be able to decide.

First of all, that is a huge amount of time for an audition! I had never heard such a thing. I knew a full day of auditioning … could happen (as it did in the Zurich Ballet audition). But I had never experienced such a request.
And I told him such.

He seemed to not care. He explained with total arrogance and my personal disregard that this was what would be required and if I was interested … that was the only way.

I should have known at that moment that this was not going to work and that it was a bad fit.
But I really thought San Francisco Ballet was more to my liking in style and flavor. I liked the more modern approach of Michael Smuin (the associate director and choreographer).
From the Berlin Ballet, I was tired of so many heavy, classical and repetitive ballets. I was itching for a more Neo-classical approach and the fluidity and spontaneous movements of more modern, American style.
I thought San Francisco Ballet was worth the risk.
I was sure they would see my talent and leap at the chance to grab me.

Youthful arrogance saves us in such moments, but it also blinds us to the harsh reality of the financial limitations that American companies faced on a daily basis.
I explained when I could come but clearly told him that I could only come for those five days. And that I would have to leave the following day because my sister was getting married.

He said he understood.
But the ego of this man would prove to be something I did not completely see through or anticipate in that hopeful, idealistic moment.
In my mind, he was the director of a school … not the director of San Francisco Ballet!

I would learn the definition of a petty tyrant shortly. And he was going to be such a man that would prove … not only … to be an egomaniac, but a manipulative liar. The likes of which I was unprepared for in that moment.
But his pattern would become a challenge that I would face … and end up surprising myself.
I would learn how strong I was, what I was willing to take, and what I would not tolerate.
I would find … and reclaim … that part of myself that had learned to stand up to Stanley Williams, Balanchine, Gert Reinholm, Rudolph Nureyev and now this asshole, Richard Cammack.

Ballet is filled with massive egos. It is what it takes to be a great dancer or director.

One cannot get to the top without having a very strong back bone.

But toughness equates to some … as meanness and manipulation.
Those in the few positions of power … protect that power … fiercely.
The universe was about to make it very clear that my place was not in San Francisco.

Another fate beaconed.
And while that fate would be wonderful and amazing, it was also going to be highly karmic and part of the path that I was to work through in this life.

The angels had a plan, and it was not going to be in San Francisco.

That plan was based on my own karmic journey.

The universe was going to bring me full circle.

I would be called back to my beginning.
I would be required to connect to those that had started this journey when I was 5 years old.

Though I did not know it at the time, something wonderful and wild was going to begin.

But I would first … have to pull out the powerful lion within and face the forces that believed they knew what talent was.
There are always those forces that want to put a box around artists. They control us because they know that we need to dance.

But talent is a wild creature that does not conform to the dictates of petty tyrants.
Art is not defined by the critics … but by the audience.

I will forever be grateful to that lion within that would not allow the projections of another to define who or what I was to be in this life.

She would be called upon, many more times in my life and her power repeatedly saved my heart and soul too many times to count.
The lion within me … is fierce.

She is determined.

She knows who and what she is.

She does not apologize for standing up for who she is or for what she believes in.

She will not back down.

She cares not for the opinions of others.

And unbeknownst to many, she would be a silent protector of other dancers for my entire career.
She protects what she loves. Even if others do not love her.

She protects those that are treated unfairly. Even when they would treat her unfairly.

She would stand up for those that needed support.

And at times she would be shunned because of those that were jealous and weak.

But the lion in me would continue to protect even those that did not want to see that their own fear and jealousy was getting in the way of them seeing … that I was their advocate … the whole time.

When one has power, one should use it for the greater good.

When one has connection, they should use it to bring greater opportunity to others.

When one has wisdom, they support others in shining brightly.
When one knows oneself, then they can allow others to also be a star.

My lion knows that the light of others does not in any way diminish my own light.

And she wonders at all the stars in the night sky, and she sees the divinity within each soul that is trying to break out.
And when it does, she inwardly smiles and celebrates their success.

~Suzanne Wagner~