In Conclusion

Our life has a path, and that path leads us toward a myriad of choices in life. Every path will have many forks on the road. And in those moments, we have options in our direction.
From a young age, I realized that my fear was never a good gauge to determine what path was the correct one.
If I had listened to my fear, I would have never done anything of consequence. I discovered that fear should never be the deciding factor in any major event or life choice.
I didn’t start ballet to be famous.
I yearned to be seen!
I wanted to be seen as the light that I was. I wanted a venue that would allow out the enormous energy I felt inside. I wanted to make magic. I wanted to be magic. I wanted to bring hope and joy. I wanted my dance to heal others and open minds. I wanted to show that we are all much deeper inside than we want to admit.
When I was young, I did not see that with every breath … I was dancing with life. But with every breath, I noticed that I felt more alive.
Dance caught my breath. It captivated my heart. It ensnared my soul. It was my muse, and I was powerless in her presence to do anything but become one with her commanding presence.
Watching dance, I could suddenly breathe in this density. Life felt less heavy, and gravity seemed not to have a hold on my soul. Dance seemed to be some special type of air that enlivened, expanded, and became something greater when moved through me, and I found a way that this expression could be shared.
As a child, I did not see the gift of being in a household where my father was always gone and my mother was so consumed with her own emotional and mental state that I felt invisible.
I created this life to manifest a perfect type of longing. A longing to become even brighter as a light and a beacon of hope in the complex human condition where the emotional matrix seemed to consume so much of our time and energy.
I watched how many dealt with life by being in a state of dazed, confusion, and overwhelm.
Ballet’s discipline and structure brought order to the chaos. It gave substance to the effort it demanded from my soul.
It gave a euphoria when the movement was fully embraced and expressed through the body. It taught that great manifestations require tremendous focus and presence.
It showed me that most people are numb and just existing. Most of humanity was in survival, and they did not understand that we are here to relish the sweat and messiness that is the human condition.
Ballet taught me that my sweat was the tears of longing from the effort I demanded from my soul as she attempted to merge with the physical reality.
Ballet taught me that magic happens when my soul is allowed to be fully here.
I knew that if I could bring all of myself into every movement and moment … that my dance in this life could burn off the karma that I carried.
I knew that I came into this world to feel deeply, to love deeply, to know myself … deeply.
I knew that I wanted to explore this domain of water and allow it to consume and take me over.
I wanted to be held in the soft embrace of the calm waters. I wanted my mind to be thrashed against the shores of a stormy ocean in my heart.
I wanted to be lost in the murky waters of my longing.
I wanted to hear the songs from all the life in this domain.
And I wanted to merge with their songs and become a translator that could connect all of us together in one symphony of love and compassion.
I somehow knew that longing and yearning were the keys to many doorways that could lead me toward a deeper understanding of self and a powerful knowing of my position in the cosmos.
I knew some people came to this world for other reasons. Some came to be famous, to be rich, to be loved, to be well-educated, etc., and for them, their choices were just as valuable as my quest.
I knew that if I did not follow my own heart, that then … fear would have won.
And somehow, that was a completely unacceptable outcome.
Ballet taught me that ignorance is not the enemy … fear is.
I intuitively knew that to get beyond the grip of fear that passion had to take over and be stronger than the fear.
Ballet taught me that jealousy stems from fear of loss (loss of position, loss of faith in oneself, loss of opportunity, etc.) and … anger.
Anger that we may not be enough. Anger that we might not get our fear out of the way. Anger that another’s excellence made my gift seem … somehow … less than.
I am grateful that I learned the many lessons and deeper meanings of jealousy by the time I was 15 years old.
I understood (even at a young age) that when you take a pure emotion such as fear and anger and mix them together, they have the terrible potential to become toxic. And that toxin is a poison … to us.
I could see that we poison ourselves, and when we do that, we limit our potential.
We are the saboteur.
When we do not stand up in the face of ego, and those that oppress, some of that precious light inside can be stolen or taken away. And then our light … dims.
The choices of others cannot dim our light unless we let them. Those in charge appear as if they have the control but on the stage, we can be that pure expression of whatever is inside that is ready to come out.
Dance gave me the courage to risk it all and to show who I was in that moment.
My greatest teachers were other dancers.
Those that gave me the greatest gifts were those that let go of position and status in precious moments by being honest and real with me.
For some reason, I got to witness them drop the mask and revealed who they really were inside.
Those that mentored me the most …did not see themselves as that. They just had no ability to be anything other than what and who they were.
I could see that my authentic emotional expression generated a field of permission, and the result was that I got a glimpse into the hidden workings of their soul and how it intertwined with their mind, heart, and emotions.
It was those moments when … over a glass of wine … someone’s self-consciousness dropped away, and I was allowed to see into the mental and emotional workings of the engines that powered incredible talent, and I got to see the level of self-awareness, honesty, knowing, and understanding that certain souls possessed.
It was those moments when I got to see the man or woman standing behind the curtain that impacted me the most. I felt the depth of other souls searching for that nugget of meaning that was the crystallization of their passion and focus.
There are moments when it seems that a life is actually more than one life.
There are epiphanies that happen when expressions of truth transcend this reality.
I have had flashbacks that are so pure in their intent and longing that they touched me in ways that I was forever … changed.
By those dancers being willing to show their vulnerability, they revealed a hidden part of myself … to me. Their honesty allowed me to see past my own self-deception and towards the wisdom I carried within that sought a way through this complex world of emotion and towards the light that they too, carried.
Those amazing souls showed me the doorways and offered me a path to my own salvation with an honesty that revealed their own pain, suffering, and willingness not to be satisfied that the darkness that humanity experienced was all that there was in life.
They showed me that pain … could become power.

They showed me one could dance toward enlightenment.
They showed me that self-discipline was a vehicle to allow the mind to have a task so that the soul could fly.
I have been so blessed in this life to dance with so many amazing souls in the world of ballet. I have been gifted to fly on the talents of so many incredible musicians.
I have attempted to give form to emotions and music. And in moments, I have discovered doorways into other times, places, and realities through ballet and dance.
To those that have been behind the scenes that were the costume designers, the stage crews, the theater staff, and the audiences that I enthusiastically danced for … I thank you with all my heart and soul for being able to give everything that I had in those precious moments on stage.
I know that such moments will linger in my memories for as long as I live, and hopefully, such beautiful gifts of love and sharing will carry me when I die into the light to which I have dedicated my life.
Ballet was life itself to me. It sustained me and gave me hope. It taught me … as it humbled me. It showed me that I had more inside to give than I ever realized, and I hope that my words open more eyes to the beauty that is all the forms of art.
Without art and artists, this world would be beautiful, but it would be missing something so very special.
To all the artists out there reading and listening, I hope that I have inspired you to continue on. Don’t ever stop searching for that next hidden potential in your soul.
There are souls of fabulous artists on the other side longing to mentor you into magnificence if you are open and ready for the depth that they touched and intend to offer all of you.
I tell you, with all honesty, the journey, and hardships will be worth it. Do not allow those whose egos intend to tear you down … to build themselves up … win.
Be open and allow your authentic self to be your guide as he or she will lead you towards the doorways that intend to open with the touch of your heart and sincerity.
Because you are never alone. There are those that will come when your heart calls out and yearns for something … more.
If you want to feel the wonder inside your soul, then this is why you are at this place and time. This is why you are reading my words, and this is why you are now waking up to know that you are not alone.
While I was not the first to feel and experience such wonders … I know that I will not be the last.
I await with bated breath to see what now is emerging from deep within your being.
And as the curtain opens … I hope to see your beautiful essence captivate me and take me on your journey so that I can be the witness to your flight and … light.

~Suzanne Wagner~