Blog – Growth Update

Sometimes you just have to kick yourself into gear and get going. For me the other day, I realized in talking to a friend of mine in Monterey that I was becoming something new and that my old reality just was no longer fitting who I am now.
While that new self is evolving daily, I took a look around my office and saw that it was time to make a major shift.
2020-2023 were so hard because my uncle’s partner, Jim died, then almost a month later, my uncle Philip died. Suddenly I was dealing with their estate as I was a co-trustee with Jim’s daughter. It is a huge task to dismantle the lives of two people.
As I am not a lawyer, we got a wonderful lawyer and began the probate processes but then got bogged down in legal issues as my uncle had a car accident three months before he died and suddenly … as we thought the probate was just about over, we had a major legal hurdle to address.
Then my mother was failing in 2022 and in 2023, I finally convinced her to go into Independent Living in 2023, and so we were then dismantling her entire reality and sorting out all the important pieces in her life as well. It took me a full 6 weeks to get all the parts settled and sorted.
Which was (in my experience) a miracle. Thank you to all those helping out during that crazy time.
Once I got my mother settled, a month later, the staff saw what I had seen and that was that she was worse off than she wanted to believe and that she really needed to go into Memory Care for Dementia. So, then there is another move and all the adjustments that an elderly person deals with especially because she has always been so independent.
As all that was happening, my escape from Dementia land was to work on my book. It was a wonderful process to move into a more creative place and to reconnect my past to my present.
This process has changed me in so many ways, mostly thanks to my editor who has been a friend for decades, and who decided to help me … for free!
In my life, I have often found myself trying to do things all on my own. When I have had help, it has been such a joyous experience but having a 4-time Emmy Award winning investigative journalist help me with my life story has been something that went beyond anything that I could have imagined.
There is nothing like a person who knows how to keep a story line and to weave those threads in ways that allow the reader to be on the journey in an intimate way with the writer. My dear friend is a master storyteller, and they continue to surprise me with their level of expertise that so wonderfully compliments my story.
We have finished the first round of editing and now we are on the second round and that is even more interesting than the first.
While I have words that seem to constantly explode out of me … and I believe I am good at telling a story. This editor takes it completely into another realm of possibility.
With them weaving my words in new ways, I am discovering parts of myself that needed answers. I have done research and learned things that I never knew at the time and that now allow me to make sense out of many things that had lingered in my mind as unresolved questions.
In writing it out and having someone weave the loose threads into the tapestry, finally the picture fully reveals itself to me. And it has changed me because upon reflection, I can finally see myself clearly
Because of that, I look at the space of my office, my home, and this reality and I feel as if I have to find a new way to allow myself to evolve into something else.
I have always believed that rooms in a home can reflect one’s chakras. If one room is off … it means that the energy in that chakra is also off. As we shift the energy of a space, it can help us shift our own energy in our body.
But in this case, it seems that I have shifted! And now, my space requires a cleaning, a clearing, and a new opening of sorts so I can be more comfortable in it.
These things are a work in progress. And I have started with clearing things out and getting rid of lots of old stuff that is no longer relevant. I have been doing a deep spring clean and at least now … I feel as if I can breathe in my office again.
The last three plus years has been a lot about death. Writing the book was also about honestly looking at the losses in this life and seeing them with new and better-informed eyes. Sometimes we have to pull back the curtain and address what we have stuffed into the shadowy closets of our mind.
Telling my story has aired out a lot of cobwebs in my soul. Sharing my life has allowed me to see the intricate pieces that were masterfully woven by the divine, just for my growth and for me to learn how to never give up and to keep on trying.
I am excited to finish up this level of editing and then see what the next step is. My editor knows those steps better than myself. I bow to the expertise that the universe has offered up to me in this regard, with deep gratitude.
Perhaps the most wonderful thing about this process has been that I finally know that I am not alone and that the universe has given me this perfect person to take this step.
I also see that all the previous steps have helped me mature as a writer.
Writing my Tarot and Numerology books many years ago, gave me a taste of the tremendous effort and detail that is required in making a good book.
At the time, I did the best I knew how. I had an editor then that taught me so much and she took me to that next level.
But now, I see that I had so much further to go. I still had to grow up as a writer and that maturing process was going to be needed to attract in the help that I currently have found.
I am grateful that with each step along the way, I was willing to try. I am grateful that each step was a steppingstone to teach me mental and emotional discipline in how to put feelings into words. And I am grateful that I no longer think that I must do everything myself.

I am in a place that I have never been. I feel more content with the intricate weaving of this life’s journey. I feel as if I understand some bigger picture, and that was what I was supposed to grasp with my consciousness. And I feel as if my soul and my human self are finally walking the same path, hand in hand, and heart to heart.

~Suzanne Wagner~