My Rhapsody of Saying Goodbye to Berlin

I don’t think we know when we see another door that the place, we intend to leave behind … is about to stab us in the back.
While my heart was beating wildly as I entered Gert Reinholm’s office at the Berlin Ballet, I knew what I had to do.
I knew that I had a job in Salt Lake City the following year.
I felt accomplished and secure with that fact, and that allowed me to calmly walk in, from a place of deep gratitude and excitement of what lay ahead.
I expected to kindly have a conversation about the amazing opportunities he had given me and the incredible lessons that I had learned … as I told him of my opportunity to go back to the US and work.

It never dawned on me that in that moment there would be a problem.
I had sent my letter to the Intendant of the Theater and to his office that morning. I had done everything “by the book.”
I knew that he knew.
I believed that what I was not doing (by going in to talk to him) … was just a courtesy and not anything other than an opportunity for him to wish me good luck … in my new adventures and for him to say that they would miss me here in Berlin.

What happened next … I could have never anticipated or even managed to wildly consider.

He said that he wanted to have me reconsider my choice to leave.

Startled, I sat there stunned … not knowing what to say or do.
He went on to say that after some consideration, he had decided to offer me a soloist contract for that year. There would be a significant pay increase and I would be allowed two soloist roles in premiers for that season.
But he needed to know my answer now.
This was not what I had expected.
While I had been doing some soloist work and obvious Nureyev had spoken up for me circumspectly, I knew I was not remotely at the caliber of most of the dancers at the top of the pyramid in Berlin.
I had not anticipated this particular move from the director, and I literally did not know what to say.

I was blind-sided. My head was spinning, and I tried to rationalize my feelings with the options offered.
I truly did not know what to do.
I needed an outside, objective opinion.
I needed … a bit of time.

So, I asked if I could have 24 hours to think about it before I decided and then tell him the following day.

He smiled like a Cheshire Cat, and I noticed the satisfied smirk … but did not know what that particular look meant.
As I stood up to leave. … Thanking him profusely.
He came around from his desk and seemed to be amused. Then he patted my back in a supportive gesture.
But it felt … to me … that he saw me as a confused child that needed to be soothed.
The pat on the back seemed to signify that now everything was going to be just fine and to not worry.

But something felt strange. I was not sure (looking at his face) if he was being a supportive ally or a devious foe.
I should have been listening to my instincts that were screaming inside. But my mind was swirling with new thoughts and possibilities.

Excitement and terror were neck and neck … in a race to some invisible finish line.
There are moments when the head and heart are not in agreement.
This moment was going to be one of my biggest teachers because the juxtapositions of these two sides seemed to tear at the fabric of my old self. Such a feeling … (I now know to be a warning) was an indicator that “Something dangerous … this way comes.”
I went to the studio too stunned to be able to easily engage in conversation. I did not know how to make such a huge decision.

During class I am very distracted because of my internal conversation happening in my head. I thought, “Berlin just did not feel like home to me. I wanted to go home to the US. But this had been my home for 3 years, and my language skills had increased immensely. Perhaps I could find a way to learn to have more fun in Berlin and make this more permanent.”
I decided to talk to both Eva Evdokimova and Galina Panov.
I knew that they would in no way feel threatened by me getting such an offer.
They were ten times better dancers than I was.
I could never have such a crazy ego … that I could even fathom being in their shoes professionally.
They were phenomenal dancers and while I was good, I knew I was not great. But I loved dance with all my heart and soul and such an opportunity is rare.
I started with Eva. She was easy to approach and while I did not socialize with her … she was forever kind and caring.

I asked if I could speak to her after the rehearsal and she politely (with a quizzical look) agreed.

I went to her dressing room, and she said that we should go for coffee away from the theater. Intuitively, she knew that certain things were probably better to not do within the eyes and ears of a state theater.
We sat for coffee, and I explained my situation. She listened without interrupting but her face began to scowl. Not in disapproval of the offer … but the manner and timing in which the offer was arising.
She looks suspiciously concerned and when I stopped speaking … that was what her words conveyed.
She said with heartfelt honesty to me a deep truth. That truth was that she saw my talent and said that I was a diamond in the rough. But that I had never had proper, personal, training or coaching in the manner that she had in Russia or at the London Festival Ballet.

While she was Berlin Ballets, “Prima Ballerina Absoluta”, if she was me, she would want to have amazing coaching to allow me to rise up to meet the challenges ahead.
What she knew about the Berlin Ballet was that … such a thing … was not what this company offered. As far as she was concerned there was not any real “quality” coaching here.
She said that this company was a mishmash of incredibly naturally talented dancers that were learning to work together in a type of tapestry with many fabrics and colors.

It was true. The Berlin Ballet had dancers from all walks of life and all cultures. Every type and style of training and dance was wandering our hallways and studios. We were a bunch of exotics, and our hot house was this theater.
But there was not one style or one flower. There was not one ecosystem. They were all mixed up and that allowed for an amazing array of potentials that were learning to work through the kinks and get to something very unique.
The diversity gave us the magic. We were a flavor that was surprising and unexpected but not in unison all the time.
She said that at Ballet West was one of the most gifted coaches in the world, “Toni Lander.” If I was to get the coaching from Toni, then I had the chance to go much further than my talent alone could provide.
I suddenly saw what she was trying to say. I understood that she was very right. I did not have the proper understanding and the specialized training that would allow me to understand the subtle nuances that are required as you move up the ranks.
I could be good in Berlin, but I might never be great.
I could have the potential … but potential without a stable base will fizzle out eventually … and die.

I thanked her for telling me the truth.
She talked about knowing Toni Lander and how her amazing insight into certain roles was so powerful and essential to her own understanding of the Bourneville style and technique.
The Berlin Ballet had done La Sylphide, with Peter Schaufuss. I understood the style that she was referring to. I did love dancing that ballet and had noticed the unique ways that this style was executed with such precision and stability.
Watching Peter and Eva in performances was the ultimate example of excellence and understated perfection.

Peter Schaufuss demanded Bourneville classes throughout the production to make us hone the type of exactness that was required.
I could feel in my body that what I needed and longed for … was a coach that would not plow me into the floor … like Goodrun Leban.
A more subtle and personal touch was something I longed for but that was clearly missing from the Berlin Ballet.
I started to get again excited about the possibility of going to Utah. I could have a personal coach that really knew what they were doing!
Perhaps there, with less pressure from being in a huge state theater, I could find my own way to educate myself beyond the careful watcher I had become.
Observing movement with my articulate and insightful eye … was one thing. But having an advocate that really wanted me to be the best … would be quite another.

One of the hardest shifts that I had felt while being a dancer was the shift from being a student (with all the carefully constructive … one-on-one instruction) to being a professional dancer where the expectation was that I should know what I am doing and execute it perfectly without needing any hand-holding.

I had moved from ballet being my release, my escape, and my passion … to ballet being …my job.

It had been very difficult.
It seemed lonely in many ways.
Expectations were high and failure was something that could get you fired as a professional.
Now, more excited than ever. I thanked her for her honesty. But before I left, she stopped me and said, “Suzanne … watch your back. Gert Reinholm has a vicious streak, and it may come out at you … Especially, if you decide to say “No” to his offer.

That warning seemed like a red flag in the harbor that suddenly shifts with the wind indicating that a storm was coming … and that I should be prepared.

But I was young and had belief in myself. I noticed the shift but did not heed the warning.

The angels were trying to give me a “heads up”. And they were not yet finished … trying to warm me. However, I did not realize that I had unknowingly walked into a lion’s den and that danger was closer than I thought.
I nodded at her warning and tucked that important piece of information in my pocket then headed out to speak with Galina Panov next.

Galina was at her apartment, and we sat down, and I told her the same story I told Eva. And I added in Eva’s opinion and perspective.

She quickly agreed and said that in Russia, the level of extensive and deeply personal coaching was probably the best in the world. She said that the classes here … were substandard which was why she traveled … performing and going places that allowed her to maintain her personal level of excellence. She knew that she could not expect to get it … here.

She had a tremendous amount knowledge and training to fall back on and that kept her sanity.

Besides the stuffiness of the Germany Opera houses was not her cup of tea and she really liked the freedom, eagerness, and the willingness of American dancers.
She preferred their determined energy over the safety and security of the Berlin Ballet.
But she hinted that the politics where more complex than I probably realized and that I had to tread lightly with the ego of Gert Reinholm. He was notorious for acting in threatening ways that were intentionally designed to manipulate dancers for his own end.
She hinted that when he did not get his way, he could be ruthless and very mean.

I heard her but I did not think that I was remotely having any intention to cause him problems.

I was about to learn that it only takes one person to make a problem.
My lack of awareness was going to make me “Der Idiot!” shortly.
Just because I was not threatening, would not mean that I would not be threatened.
I left even more confident in my decision to leave and the next morning, I walked in … with a plan.

I had decided that I would be … incredibly deferential and generous to all the opportunities that he had given me.
I would be heart-felt, open, vulnerable and say that I just needed to go home. And that I was stunned by his offer and that this was a tremendously tough decision to make. But one that I thought would allow me to expand and grow in very different ways.
I believed that being authentic, and sincere would allow him to respect my choice and wish me well with no hard feelings.

So, I walked into his office, before class. I am smiling, very warm but also be very careful in my approach. I tell him the great honor that he offered was one that I had carefully considered and in the end … it was a gut instinct that I just knew I needed to go home. I gave the excuse (which was true) that my mother was really struggling with depression and anxiety, and that I was needed closer to home.

I thanked him and hoped that he understood how important this time had been for me here in Berlin and how I would never forget the opportunities that he had offered me and that I would be forever … eternally … grateful.

He had sat there not moving or breathing allowing me to speak until I was complete.

Then with his voice … in a hiss. He said, “Well, I made you … and I will break you! I will blacklist you for all of Europe and I will try to get you blacklisted for America. And now, young lady! You must stay two years because the moment you entered into the negotiation with me … you voided your exit papers that needed to be finalized a year in advance. You are in breach of the agreement and so you will have to stay two years before you leave. And I now … I can officially rescind your soloist contract offer, because you told me that you did not want my offer. That offer is no longer on the table. You will get to be a mindless corps dancer for the next two years and I will make sure that all your dance opportunities will disappear.

You see, I made you who you are and now you will discover that I can break you … just as easily!”
As his mouth curved into the face of that “Cheshire Cat” … I realized how foolish I had been.
The yell, “Der Idiot!” resounded through my head.
My idealism had worked against me and now I realized that I had made a terrible miscalculation on every level.
This man (who I thought highly of) … had turned into an enemy … the likes of which … I had never encountered.

I hear a voice in my head remind me that just because I think others are nice does not mean that they are. The voice in my head said “The truth is “Suzanne” that you don’t really know most people.”

In that moment, I did not know Gert Reinholm. I saw a side of him that I had never seen or never wanted to see … that day.

So began my year long journey to be released legally from my contract with the Berlin Ballet.
That would include lawyers, $20,000 in legal expenses, being taken out of all my roles, becoming deeply depressed, getting pneumonia three times, almost dying, finding hope in a new boyfriend, having my contract in Ballet West almost rescinded because of a letter from Gert Reinholm to Bruce Marks (the director in Ballet West), needing to finish out the contract in Berlin and start the contract in Ballet West … at the same time, and in the transition I was going to be required to complete my obligations in both companies, and then to losing every piece of clothing, point shoes, stage makeup, wig pieces, and jewelry I had … because oddly every time I flew the airlines lost my luggage.

I was going to be stripped down to nothing.
The change to dance in Ballet West would cost me everything; my savings, my sanity, my health, and my love life.

So be it … and so it is.

Those that resist.
Will persist.
Those that are kind,
Matter not to those that intend to blind.
Evil can punch holes in our aura and life.
Evil thrives on conflict and strife.
Darkness cares not if it is fair.
Darkness wants to tie you to a chair.
Life will try to find a way out.
But there are times when one has no clout.
That is when the only way.
Is to become something more in this hateful ballet.
~Suzanne Wagner~