Art – The Quest For Finding a Whole and Authentic Life

 

 

I was a tall dancer and because of that I got the older rolls. Meaning … I got to be the mother’s, the queens, the harlots, the characters that were darker and more complex.

As a dancer, every girl dreams of being the leading ballerina, such as: Giselle, Odette, Juliette, etc. Every girl wants to be the pretty one, the romantic partner, the innocent that is being wronged, the sylph, the fairy … not the scary, ugly one.
Especially when we are young, we do not want to be the demented crazy witch. We do not want to be the Lady Capulets (a sex crazed manipulative woman). We did not want to be the one causing all the problems.

I used to wonder (in my innocence) why the directors always cast me in these very intense roles that demanded me to find the parts of myself that I believed were so hidden and so foreign to the perceptions of who I thought I was and my current identity.

It took me years to realize that they saw something in me that was different lurking in the shadows of my psyche.
They could see the smoldering sexuality underneath the façade of the good girl. They could see the fiery rage that boiled under the parts of me always trying to be kind. Those parts that we suppress are often more obvious to others.

Sometimes it is hard to see oneself.
It is a strange thought … because dancers spend all day looking into the mirrors and seeing our reflections. But ballet is about projecting an illusion and making the unreal … real.
Ballet is much like the metaphor of the Dragonfly that was once a Dragon (the master of illusion).
We can get caught up in the illusion because we are so busy projecting what we want to create … that we forget who and what we really are.

The process of growing up (in the world of ballet) is also in beginning to see the small tears and fractures in that illusion … so that we can finally emerge as our true self. And remember who … we really are.
I learned that what we see in the mirror is not always what others see.

We believe we are one way … but through embodying characters we discover other parts of ourselves that often directors and choreographers can see in us. But that are somewhat hidden by the shadows our ego.
I always wondered why directors loved to make me into the nasty character, the wicked one, the seductress, or the vengeful spirit.
Ballet taught me … that what we suppress … is often much more obvious to others. And it is also under great pressure because of the mind within that is in denial of what is. I have learned that if that shadow aspect is given a doorway to come out, it will do just that … and in full force!
That is what makes great art.
There is a phrase that I learned and used as a powerful anchor into what is real and what is not real throughout my life.
It is: “The meaning of my communication is the result I produce.”
Now, think about that phrase really … closely …
That means, regardless of what I think I am communicating to others. That people will respond to those aspects that are often hidden within my own psyche.
Communication is 80% non-verbal. That means most communication is not words but body language, tone, eye communication, subtlety and very small insinuations that come from the type of words that we use and why.

I have learned that we all have an identity that we want to project out into the world. And it is something that we have carefully crafted even if we are unconscious and unaware.
Everyone wants to come across as powerful, confident, and kind.
But underneath all of us … we are insecure, fearful, and at times raging. We have been taught by our culture that certain emotions are acceptable, and others are not.
Many people in our life help to define that identity by saying things like, “Now be a good girl!”

Which means “bad girl has to go somewhere else.”

We are all human.
That means that we are a panoply of emotions. We are not just happy or sad, we are all the emotions (in a bundle) inside our body.
But what we suppress in the dark corners of our psyche … others detect, sense, see at times, and can feel. And those aspects leak out in various ways that others react to.

On many levels it makes perfect sense that if I was raised to be a very “good girl”, then there is probably a crouching tiger in the shadows, as well as, a sultry, sexy, passionate seductress.

The process of suppression puts certain aspects (within), under pressure.
That pressure generates a type of tension. When such a person is given an opportunity to become that which the ego has suppressed, on a stage … Something wonderful and magical can happen.
That quality explodes out with an intensity and a fury that can have a powerful impact on the heart, soul, and psyche of an audience.

And when that emotional quality or archetype is something held in the shadows of an audience, then when we go on stage and give substance and expression to that emotion, it unleashes that shadow within them as well.

And for a brief moment … together … we all can wallow in those dark emotions … untethered, together.
That type of exaltation is a type of release that holds a great deal of pleasure and brings a type of relief.
It is a huge relief to not have to put pressure and control on our shadow.
It is pleasurable to let our entire self out and get some air.
For that brief moment, we are not alone in what we feel and that gives us a profound sense of connection with others.

And as a dancer, if they can ride that wave, there is a unique feeling as we know we have become the instigator for a type of emotional healing for everyone in the audience … if they will flow with us and allow us to capture their attention with our art. We can then (in that moment) become the energy that is needing to be expressed within them.

Stages are spaces of permission. They give everyone permission to be the extremes of what we feeling, characters and archetypes that are hidden within, and to display in a grand way those qualities that lurk in the depths of humanity but often get controlled or put far away from the civilized world.

That which is hidden creates tension. That tension can be seen by others, and it can draw them into the game, the fantasy, the dance, and this moment.
You see … it is all about being fully in the moment.
Most people are never really fully present.
They are living in the past or thinking too much about the future.
Great art has the capacity to stop that see-saw of the mind and capture souls.
When the mind is fully engaged and enthralled in what is happening, all the chatter stops.
And for a moment, everyone is not thinking about what they need to do later.
They are all here, with us, in the dance.
In that moment … we remember that we are all one.
I learned (over time) that I kind of liked being these darker and more sinister characters. It seemed more honest. Less polarized. It allowed me to become more whole.
So much of the ballet world (especially in America) tastes a bit like a lollipop.
But in all great forms of art, artists (for thousands of years) have tried to show the sides of life that are not so positive.
Humanity is fascinated by those places within the human condition that represent our shadow and those things that society has deemed unacceptable.

Artists give much more permission than any forms of religion. Artists are generally much more accepting and genuine. Artists are the spark that beat the creative heart of this world.

And to artists, their art is their religion.

It is something deeply sacred and it teaches us about those things that most will try (in their lifetime) to suppress.
But somewhere … all artists have learned that they could not live without finding something more honest, whole, and authentic.
I believe that is why the teaching of art in schools is so critical and essential for generating a more balanced and loving world.

Without art there are fewer spaces that allow for the expression of our shadow.
Without art I would have never gotten to know my deeper self and I would have not seen the value in my shadow selves.

Without art, I would have not learned to stand up for myself.

Without art, I would have never become so aware of the mannerisms, mechanisms, and patterns of humanity.

Without art, I would have never become so perceptive of the subtleties in life.
Art taught me to watch and wonder rather than react and defend.
Art taught me how to move gracefully with my words, speech, actions, and intentions.

Art taught me the value of beauty and the honesty of the darkness.

Ballet gave me this beautiful life and I will be eternally grateful.

I would never change a thing about this incarnation.

The mistakes I have made were magically perfect for the lessons I needed to learn.

The successes were a wonder to behold and gave me the incentive to reach for the stars.

I have learned to be comfortable with all sorts of people because ballet allowed me to be all of those characters.

Ballet taught me to not judge a book by its cover because the best parts of everyone’s story is often hidden deep inside and not often revealed until one has the skill to know how to gracefully and respectfully enter.
Ballet has been the tool of this life’s transformation. It has been the motivation for truth. It has been the foundation of my soul. It is the breath in my body. And it will continue to be the gift that I use to inspire others to awaken, grow, and remember.
~Suzanne Wagner~

 

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