Berlin to Ballet West – Part Four – The Call Home – My Higher Self and My Human Self

 

I have never been able to resist the distant call of my highest self … calling me home.
Many times in my life I have experienced an opening in the dimensions of space and time.
In such moments … the veils thin … between this world and others. If I pay attention, I can see that those realities are overlapping into this one.
I experience it almost as something or someone bumping into my personal being. It is possible to recognize that shared moment. I love it when that other self, decides to give or offer its profound wisdom with me. Repeatedly, that has been some critical piece of information for my personal development.
Such moments cause a shift in the tones, frequencies, and rhythms inside my being. It often feels as if there is a much higher self … inside me watching my choices and actions. It will occasionally give a hint, sometimes a shove, and more often than not a cosmic “two-by-four” over my head.
Somehow, I always trust that voice that feels like me but is tremendously wiser than my current state of being that is experiencing this particular moment.
It coaxes me to trust in a process … even when I could not see the final outcome.
As long as I remember and have been aware … I know that I have a higher self and a very human self.
They do not always see eye to eye. But my human self, oddly trusts my higher self and will leap in the directions indicated by my higher self, even if I am not sure what is happening or why.

My human self gets scared, angry, feels misunderstood, and feels taken advantage of. But my higher self will rally in the blink of an eye. She will protect and defend me against those that hold toxicity deep within and intend to do myself or others harm. Even if they are unconscious about it.
The only times that the balance was thrown off were when I arrogantly went against my own inner counsel and decided that my human self knew better, when in actuality … my human side was just being conceited, egotistical, pompous, and prideful.
By making some terrible mistakes (more than a few times) I learned the folly of such a choice and that not listening led to terrible pain and suffering.
I have learned that having such a strong higher self that is supportive, kind, and crystal clear is not a common gift in this world.
But as a child I assumed everyone had such an arrangement.
It was 1981 and what I knew was that the tone inside my body had changed. Something new was awakening that was familiar and very old. A force was already carrying me towards a very distant shore.

While I knew that the leap from Berlin to Ballet West was huge. I did not see how many patterns would have to be unraveled, how much misery I would have to go through, or how much the universe was going to ask of me.
My human self was excited to embark on a new adventure. She thought, “What could possibly go wrong?” Everything was flowing correctly and with grace and ease! This was how the universe worked when one was in alignment with the greater flows of energy.

But all the while my higher self … whispered caution.

I have sense learned that when we feel compelled, that it is the planet Pluto at work. This powerful dark planet was getting ready to burn away the old self just like a phoenix bursting into flames only to be reborn.

In the Mayan tradition it is the cycle of Cauac. A purple (ultra-violet wave) fire that burns away the preconceptions of the mind in order to free the soul to move into higher dimensions.

It is called the “Ziveuya” The cycle by which all things return to themselves.
Cauac intends to burn away the ego that casts a long shadow into the human dimensions and to shatter the false perceptions that the mind chooses to embolden.
The pull to leave Berlin was strong and the sirens of karma were calling to me. There was a powerful lure hooking me so that I could move beyond my mind and into a potential that my mind wanted to attach to.
This song from the goddess was intended to set my soul free … she had no intention to give me what I wanted.
I longed to find a missing piece that seemed so close.
But what I was seeking was not what the universe knew I needed.

She was going to lovingly shatter my idealism, show me parts of myself that I did not know existed, and break me down to a place where I could become … not what others wanted … but what I actually … came to become.
I look at my life and see the failures as the innocent attempts of a soul unprepared for what was ahead. Each attempt was an honest and authentic engagement … that would lead me to reach more … harder … longer and deeper into the convoluted twists of the human condition.
She would teach me where I was a human without humility. She would show me where I could love regardless of the feelings of another towards me. She would show me a place of strength that existed within and that was so strong … so I could break me out of this place of delusion.

I was going to discover that there was a force deep within that had shown its face when I was 17 years old and on a ledge in New York City. And she would be willing to take me out of the entire game if my human self … refused to change.
She was willing to be my advocate and my adversary.

Real control only happens from finding the power held in deep compassion of my human fears and frailities.
Kindness becomes a frequency upon which honest engagement with others allows something new to grow. It is birthed in the fires of Cauac. It is shaped by the hammers of attachment, and it is skillfully honed by my higher self even if my human self, stomps her feet and refuses to play.

When I get back to Berlin, I feel confident and free.
I feel as if I have given Berlin an honest chance and while I loved so much of it, I could feel it was not really my home.

Real artists are eternally seeking, infinitely curious, and fearlessly courageous.

I thought my mission was to dance.

But my purpose was to become … something else.
A part of me knew I was seeking to become so intimate with the wind that we moved as one.
I was to allow life to penetrate my being in ways that brought something deeply buried back into the light.
I was to reconnect to my spiritual family and to bring more of my home, my being, and my essence into this reality.

That place would be Utah.
But I first had to get paroled by the warden in Berlin, Gert Reinholm.
I did not know that I was going to have to heal the patterns of karma that I carried into this world from other times and places. I would have to heal my genetic karma from those that I had descended from. I would have to willingly walk into the fires of Cauac and not know where I was going, what was next, or if I would succeed.

 

All of that was going to prove to be a massive undertaking.
Everything I was to become … needed to be shaped and molded in a very new way.

But for now, opportunity was calling. Excitement was in the air. And I had the courage to face whatever challenges were coming my way.
Or so I thought.

 

I thank my human self for her bravery and courage.

I thank my higher self for her clarity and exactness.

I adore the angels that have repeatedly saved my life.

And I love that I would eventually learn to be comfortable in my own skin, calmer and more at peace, find true love, and discover a lifestyle that would challenge all my pictures of what would make me happy.

~Suzanne Wagner~