Moving with the Landscapes of Utah – Breaking Up with Peter

 

I loved the scenery and to be back in the mountains. At heart I am a tree person and the rugged outcroppings of the Utah … with the wild range of landscapes … matched the tempestuousness of my soul.

It was not so dark (as in Berlin) … quite the contrary. There was a very bright light that only comes at high altitude. There were vistas and panoramas everywhere. There were deserts and alpine flowers.
And there was almost everything in between.
Salt Lake City was nestled up against the sharp mountains of the Wasatch Front and on the other side was a salt desert and the Great Salt Lake.

The ground was an ancient dead sea. I felt a wisdom that could be tapped into if one knew the path to uncover its secrets.

Salt is a very strong grounding mechanism. And there was a lot of salt (hence the name). At that point in my life I needed a lot of grounding.

Feeling into this chakra point of the planet I noticed that this place was 1^st Chakra and 7^th Chakra.

I realized that those of us that were pulled there were attempting to balance both of those chakras.

No wonder that the Mormons saw this as “The Place”.

Now, I am not a Mormon and not privy to the deep layered secrets of this religion … but as an outsider looking in, I noticed that those that came here and that were attracted to this place … seemed to want to focus on that polarity.

The people of the popular religion of this area were following the advice and guidance of a spiritual leader and someone who they believed in. That leaders visions (7^th Chakra) inspired a cultural shift that became this state. This same religion focused on the grounded foundations of family, tithing, and children (1^st Chakra).
I could feel this pull within my own being.
I too was seeking spiritual family. I wanted to find those souls from past lives that were a part of my core group and those that had decided to explore this place … together.
I was deeply attracted to the hidden spiritual expansion that this crystallin ground offered and the potential for enlightenment that the snow inspired … and that fell like powder on these mountains.
I needed this strong grounding. I had felt like a great bird on a long, lonely voyage across a desolate ocean, seeing nothing and no land. Hoping for that horizon to end and any shape to form in the distance.
And this landscape of Salt Lake City was also a bowl or a basin. One could feel the circular energy moving … even though that ancient ocean was dry. There was something swirling below the surface that could build into something … new.

Utah was wild and fresh. Innocent and safe. There was a telepathic agreement that did not hold the wounding from the long-fought battles of Europe.

It smelled of sage brush and pine trees.
Those metaphorically mean cleansing and eternal life in the metaphysical world.

I could tell this could be a place where I might begin to heal.
At the time I did not know what I was to heal but I knew it would be related to my family and the dysfunctions that one accepts as normal but are … anything but.

As I am getting my footing in Utah, my boyfriend in Berlin, Peter, is a total wreck. I am not much better. I am still so weak and recovering from almost dying and my focus is muddled, and I feel as if I am a bit in a fog.

Peter sends me a cassette tape and, on the phone, asks me to open it.

I was confused, “You want me to open the cassette tape?”

“Yes!” he said with the first lightness that he had in his voice for months.
I see that there really is no tape inside and I crack it open to reveal a Cartier ring.

My head is reeling, “Is this an engagement ring?” It is not what American’s do. But suddenly I was not sure how a German person might do that overture.
He said, with too much expectation in his voice, “What do you think?”

I don’t know what to say.

I am not sure what the message is.

Clearly there is a question. But I have not heard the bigger question that seems … not being said in this gift.
My heart is pounding, and I am not wanting the question to come out of his mouth.

I am not ready to marry anyone!
I had told him that clearly many times.

I silently question, “Is this a promise ring? Or an engagement ring?”
I can tell that he is waiting for me to make some sort of sign.
One of happiness and acceptance or … not.

I am frozen. Terrified to hurt him even more.
He had been miserable for months and the emotional toll his attachment had on me was tearing at the frail stitching of my healing self.
I felt on the verge of breaking in a way that I could not afford to do.
Nothing in my being could (at this time) go back. There was nothing left for me in Germany.

Peter was a very good and kind man. But I was 22 years old going on 16 … in the area of emotional intimacy.
I had a life ahead of me but something inside had … died … when I had almost … died.
Such a thing changes a person in profound ways that one cannot completely understand at the time.

Forces move in ways that push us right up against some invisible line. A line that we cannot cross and places that we are not yet ready to accept, understand, or … go.
The emptiness on the phone from both sides was the answer to the question … that would never be asked.

I could hear him crying over the phone line, trying to be silent but not being able to speak either.
I was breaking his heart.

That was never my intention.

I did not want to know this part of myself that suddenly did not know how to be … in this place.
All I could say was, “I am so sorry!”

“This is not where I am in this moment!”

Then the tears came from realizing that I had something deeply broken inside myself. I did not know how to be any more real than I was being in that moment. But it was not what he wanted, and it was not enough.

The emotional pain in the space was suffocating. It was as if there was no air left in the world to breathe.
I tried to find something … that I knew to be true in this moment. What I knew was that a broken person cannot give love in the way that another needs until they have learned to love themselves.
I was broken. I needed time to heal.

Peter was in a very different place from me.

Our paths were diverging.

I chose to fly towards a rising sun.

And as we parted, he saw the sun only dropping into the ocean far … far away.
I was that sun that would leave his life …in this time. I prayed that he would find another light that would love him the way he deserved and needed.
We said many things in parting.

Many things that cannot be remembered in the intensity of such powerful emotions.

But my body remembers the feeling of his kindness, his touch, his … tenderness. And his deep love.

I know that what we felt was true and it was on a level that I had not yet learned how to tap into or maintain.
Perhaps in another time, we could find a way to connect and find the ways to come together when both of us were more ready, prepared, and willing to dive into the deep oceans of passion and love.
I sent that silent prayer out to the universe.

In that moment, the strongest love in my life was my art. The deepest passion I felt was for reaching an elusive feeling that comes from tremendous effort and meticulous attention to detail.

I think of him often.

I imagine his life as one filled with family, children, and financial prosperity.

I never heard from him again.

It was too painful to even try to stay connected.

While his exit left a hole inside, it did allow me to focus my remaining energy into more effective ways.
I know that the truest love, knows that sometimes you have to let that precious thing (you love so deeply) fly free.

He gave me that great gift. And for a time, I did fly.

His love saved me in many ways. Even when he left, he left an imprint on my heart and … soul.
Then I hear the angels speaking softly … once again, “Some will stay, some will need to leave, and others will become a part of your very soul.”

Peter is a part of my very soul.
For some important reason, he came in to save me. Perhaps it was a repayment for some karmic debt he owed me.
Perhaps I will never know.

But in truth, it felt like a great gift he was willing to offer up in order to keep me on the planet.

There will be more than a few times that I could have … should have … left this world.

Each time, something or someone saved me.

Peter saved me with his love and tenderness.

It is the most precious of gifts and one that my soul knows it will repay in another moment in time.
Till then, as I watch the rising sun … I still see his reddish blonde hair and his reddish-brown beard and mustache. I see his smiling face looking down at my muddy feet from walking on the dikes and dancing with the bees along the coast of Flensburg.
What I know is that true love never dies, it just changes form.

His love changed my form. It changed my perspective. It changed and allowed me to trust another. His heart was worthy of a great love that my soul was not yet prepared to offer.

But I know that there will be another day, another time, and another moment … when together we will fly towards that rising sun.
~Suzanne Wagner~