The Dance of Dating in Berlin

 

Dating for me in Berlin was pretty much non-existent until I met the French-Jewish Doctor and then finally my boyfriend Peter, my last year in Berlin.

There were a few exceptions to that rule. In the Berlin Ballet, there was one of the very gorgeous, Danish, gay males in the ballet company who decided to hit on me (once) when we were on tour with the Berlin Ballet.

His partner was a beautiful dark-haired Latin man that worked in one of the transvestite clubs in Berlin called “Romy Haag.” Romy was a famous transgender woman who was a lover and muse to Davie Bowie. They say Romy was one of the reasons David Bowie moved to Berlin in 1976.

In my very naive younger days in Berlin, I was honored to meet Romy at her club, and she took a shine to me that (in my innocence) I did not fully recognize as a very soft sexual overture when I was at the club in 1980.

She was honestly gorgeous, and I did not realize that she was Transgender at all. Which is saying something because, in my world of ballet, we are great a spotting those people that move in the fringe area of society. Because we are on that fringe area.

Romy was beautiful, dressed elegantly at the club, and dripped in femineity that was not overstated as in some from that time.

She hung out at my table, and we talked and laughed for an hour or so about Berlin, the art world, what I was doing here, whom I knew at the club, etc.

When she left, my friends came running up to me and exclaimed, “Romy loved you! She never does that. That was so cool to watch the two of you hit it off like that.”

I was shocked! I did not realize that she was Romy Haag, but I did not ask her name. I liked her instantly, and she was very kind, approachable, and real.

But this lovely Danish God of a dancer in Berlin hit on me when we were on tour, and let’s just say he was direct in his desires and communicated that clearly to me.

Shocked, I said to him, “What would your boyfriend think of you hitting on me?”

He responded, “Well, you know! Sometimes it is nice to be the guy in the bedroom!”

That pretty much said all I needed to know, and I was at least smart enough to know that I did not need the chaos that sexual passions generate at that time in my life.

Honestly, I was just too emotionally immature to navigate those tumultuous waters. At least I knew it.

I told him that he could go be the guy with someone else but that I was not available.

Intuitively, I have been guided over and over again on how to proceed in the games of intimacy, and my angels have done a fabulous job keeping me safe.

After I left Berlin for Ballet West, I heard that this beautiful Danish Dancer had died of AIDS. It made me so very sad. We lost so many wonderful people because of this terrible disease.

I will always remember his amazing smile that burst from his face and his incredible ability to navigate multiple languages and speak with not just knowledge but with a great sense of humor as well. I will remember him sunbathing in Israel when we were on tour there and getting so sunburned that his shoulders were so bad that he could not put his dance partner on his shoulder because of the pain and held her above his shoulder till the curtain closed. He was very strong.

In this moment, I want to pay tribute to the many people who have left this world because of HIV and to remember them fondly for the great artistry that they offered the world … in their all too brief moment in the limelight.

Again, my one true lover at that time … ballet … saved me from the dangerously chaotic sexual waters that were running wild in Europe at that time.

I was learning how much fear I held inside. I was learning how strong I was to walk my own path and not be pushed into a path that I was unprepared for and not mature enough to navigate.

The process of dance was a powerful world of passion for me. And it was more than enough for me to handle in that moment.

I appreciate the protection that ballet offered me as it separated me from the pulls of the “real” world. It demanded so much of me that I knew I had nothing left to give at the end of each and every day. The demands of constant performing and the level of excellence required by ballet are not something that most can completely understand.

Was it worth it?

Yes! Completely!

I believe that humanity can move sexual energy and lifeforce energy in many ways. It does not just need to be expressed sexually.

To me, the ballet was the epitome of the highest expressions of the passions that can move mountains, inspire greatness, and bring about monumental change.

Even after becoming my more sexual self and moving through the process of aligning my inner spiritual self with my powerful sexual self, I discovered a phrase that I still use to this day.

Be warned … this may sound arrogant, but I mean it honestly and sincerely because of the extraordinary levels of sensuality that I have experienced through ballet, dance, movement, nature, singing, poetry, writing, and being fully alive in this world where most are operating from a small percentage of the totality of who they are.

My phrase goes something like this!

“If you cannot make love to me better than I can dance, then what good are you to me? If you are not skilled at knowing how to feel into my heart, why would I open it to you? If you do not have the skill and finesse as a lover to open me to worlds of feeling, passion, music, expression, magic, and wonder that I have not yet experienced, then I would rather dance for you and show you what is possible and what you have not yet discovered.”
Suzanne Wagner~