Traversing Unfamiliar Territory

That last year of dancing was filled with moments of good luck and moments of layers of challenge that led to more healing and growth.
It was filled with internal and external stresses that seemed to try to get my attention in such overt ways that there was no way to deny that I was completely at my edge. Yet, there were also tremendous gifts that were so clear that the universe was supporting my decision … that I just had to keep going.
By the end of September 1987, I was completely broke … financially. I had given my last penny for my new dream.
I remember paying everything I needed to pay the end of the month and realizing that I had only .63 cents left in my checking account. And I had to pay rent on the first of the month.
That is when I finally caved and called my father to ask him for rent money which was $385 a month. Fortunately, he decided that my need was sincere, and he probably felt bad for not helping … so he sent me the money immediately.
I am sure my desperate and honest statement of the facts was enough to get him to help. He even said he would help through till the end of the year with rent.
Notice he did not offer to help with the costs of Massage School. He still did not approve of that decision.
Regardless, I was incredibly grateful for that offer, and I accepted it graciously.
Little things continued to build up.
Also, in October, I discovered that according to the Massage School, I did not have enough hours to graduate at the end of the year, even though I had bent over backward trying to do two things at once, my job and performances with Ballet West, and Massage School which included a clinical on Saturdays to practice the hands-on skills with real clients that were paying a minimal amount to get an almost free massage.
That was because I had to also work on Saturdays.
Being a ballet dancer is a full-time job on a good day. At that time, we really were not getting overtime because we were not unionized by AGMA. We also performed on the weekends, holidays, and times when others got national and state holidays in normal jobs.
Managing to do both had put me in a tricky situation because I was retiring at the end of the season with Ballet West, which was in the spring of 1988. I needed to finish the Massage School training at the end of the year, then take the certification test for the State of Utah and then get my license.
If all the pieces fell into place, it would work out perfectly. The order was that I would find out that I had a license by the time I retired from Ballet West, but then I would have to be ready to have an office, have the office all setup, and have money to have that part ready, and advertising put into place for the phone book yellow pages.
(Yes, this was before all the internet advertising).
The timing would align to get it all done, but I needed to have the certificate from the school to be able to be allowed to do the state test … get the license … in order to get the Health Department certification … and the DOPL credentials, all put together in time for my new office.
But now, that very first step that was so critical for the unfolding of all the essential timing was in question.
As we were the first class graduating from the Massage School, the state was also scrambling in its own way to figure out a testing schedule and what would be on the test and what the licensure would be, and what the new rules for new massage therapists would be compared to the old (grandfathered in) massage therapists that were perhaps not doing “real” massage and doing some questionable stuff under a “grandfathered in” license. There were many with an old sort of license that only needed to get 20 people to give the state a letter that they had been doing massage with this person for the last five years for them to get a massage license.
Now, with a new Massage School … all the rules were changing because there was no way that the state did not know that illicit activities were happening under these “so-called” massage licenses.
In fact, the vice squad routinely raided massage establishments to clear out those using the disguise of “massage” in order to do “other things.”
In other words, everything was a bit topsy-turvy. The state was not yet clear about what they were doing, and the massage school was trying to have crystal clear credibility to set a new tone and new rules for honest licensure.
Everyone was trying, but now I was caught in the middle of it all.
The massage school told me that these hours were what the state had agreed were required, and they did not want (with the first graduating class) to instantly bring things into question before they graduated.
I understood their predicament, but I had been doing hours of massage on the side and writing them down to prove that I was working on the dancers for free. I did have the hands-on hours. Just not at the school clinic. I did have great grades, but I had not been in all the classes.
I knew that this was going to be an issue, and I had tried to be clear as to the ballet schedule. I even carried my massage table when we were on tour … to do body work on the dancers when they needed it.
According to the Massage School, I needed to plead my case to the Massage Board.

Great! Like I needed one more thing to do!
I had to organize all my hours and put a case together to present that was very logical and not emotional. After all, it is a Massage Board for the State.
There are moments when everything seems too much!
As all that is coming to a head and I am trying to save my dream from the dumpster, I go to an event for rebirthing where I am to learn a technique from a book by Eve Jones called The Logic of Magical Thought and the Dance of Breath.
I had been fascinated by the connections between breath and consciousness. There was a class that was being given in Salt Lake City, and I signed up for it.
I am in the class, and there are about 12 people in the class when in walks a man that was obviously late.
I was completely startled by his appearance because, for the last many months, I had been having a dream about a man and me talking together about metaphysics and spirituality. There was a strong energy in the dreams, but I just assumed that he was a metaphorical part of myself or a guide or angel. I in no way expected it to be a real person.
This blonde-haired thin man walks in, and I almost can’t talk. I stare at him, trying to figure out what is happening. In my dream, the man was not as thin as this one, but it was the same face … exactly.
I try to calm down, my heart is beating rapidly, and I am out of breath. Eventually, I get control over my emotions, and the class continues. At some point, the teacher asks a question to me, and I respond. As I am talking, all the sudden, this man, leans forward so he can see me better, and you can tell that he is also having some sort of recognition or curiosity about me.
As luck had it, the teacher put us together as a group to practice the rebirthing techniques with each other.

The long and the short of it all was that we ended up in a relationship.
He ended up being a Jewish Doctor from back east. He was also an Osteopath, an Acupuncturist, and a Craniosacral Therapy Practitioner.
And he lived with the addition of a “Trust Fund.”. His family had money, and so he just did what he wanted. He had an office in town, and he was touted as being the only Holistic MD currently in the State of Utah.
I had never met anyone like him. He was super smart. He is really too smart for his own britches. (As we say in the south.)
He was one great gift to me at this very difficult time.
I needed someone that I thought was on my side.
I needed an anchor as I was swirling in a whirlpool of change and stress.
So now, I am adding one more thing onto an already full plate, but I hope that it will be a positive distraction.
He would end up being my first true love in this life.
He would shape me in amazing ways and challenge me to see beyond my ballet bubble.
After all, breaking out is hard to do.
I had never really learned how to be in relationships.
Ballet had been my one and only true love. Interrelationship skills were not in my wheel well.
I had a lot to learn. And I had a lot that I was unlearning and unraveling.
A teacher of mine used to say, “The easiest relationship is hard enough!”

I was to learn much about that statement over the next five years. But as with all beginnings and first loves, I was blinded by the powerful heart opening and the feelings that were so new and exciting.
I was seeking a life outside ballet.
It seemed like a perfect fit.
I go to deal with the Massage Board and plead my case, only to have them say that it was up to the Massage School. The School had to decide if my hours were enough. If the Massage School said that it was enough and that I passed, it was good enough for them.
I was exhausted by all the situations in my life where the ball seemed to be moving from one place to another constantly. Everyone wanted others to make the decisions so they did not have to look like the bad person.
Mr. Hart wanted me to take the fall and get hit with the ricochet of situations that were his issue and creation. Now the Massage School had passed the ball to the Massage Board, who then passed it back to them.

In the meantime, I am running back and forth, trying to please everyone and address their considerations, and no one is really considering my feelings in the middle of it all.
But I also was not telling anyone how I felt or what was really going on inside my own head. I had always been very private, and that was trained into me from my childhood. I was taught that most things don’t need to be said.
I knew that I would need new skills of communication and how to be in the real world, which was why I had been doing a ton of inner work through mediation, retreats, and deeply personal work. I knew that stepping away from ballet would be one of the hardest things I had done up to that point. I knew I was unprepared to deal with the real world. I kept looking for doors and answers that would give me a smoother path in that transition.
My dad taught me well to have a backup plan for all situations. It never hurts to be overly prepared.
So now, I am back where I started. I am to deal with the Massage School and figure out some compromise. One of the compromises was after the classes to do some more of the massage school clinics. I needed a few more hours there. At that point, I was willing to do anything to graduate in time to take the test at the end of March. That gave me two full months to catch up on those hours and still get to take the test.
So that was what I was going to do.
Next on the list was to tell Mr. Hart that I was going to be retiring at the end of the season.
I go into his office for my yearly evaluation with Mr. Hart, and the first thing he says is, “I hear you will be leaving us … dear!”

Clearly, theater walls have big ears. While I had tried to keep it under wraps, he knew what was happening.
I was grateful that he was kind and asked a few questions. Wished me well, and that was it.
Relieved that my course was set, and now it felt as if my hand was clearly on the rudder and the wind was in my sails. I looked to the horizon in the distance that would take months to complete with a newfound hope and an excited feeling inside.
I believed I had gotten out cleanly, I had been kind, and so had Mr. Hart. I thought that there was really nothing else that could go wrong.
But letting go is hard to do.
The last few months were going to remind me of the core truth that is blatantly in my astrological chart … which says beginnings and endings in my chart are extremely difficult.
Leaving home and going to New York was hard. Leaving Dallas and going to Berlin was harder. Leaving Berlin and going to Ballet West almost killed me and almost broke me financially.
I had kept my mouth shut and not caused problems … even though I had a very strong opinion about many things going on in the company.
In my mind, those things were no longer going to be my problem. I was stepping back and trying everything to gracefully exit … stage left.
But there are aspects in my chart that are critical lessons that will never actually go away. I was to learn that once again.

We cannot escape what we came to learn. Clearly, I came in to learn to deal with beginnings and endings. Clearly, these are moments that I had not done well in other lifetimes.
The universe was not done testing me.

What I was to learn was that such moments happen in all lives. Mine happens to be drastically more dramatic than those moments for others.
I was to learn that when one tries to hold integrity in the face of egocentric forces, those external forces will have to make you into a bad person because deep inside, they do not want to face that they have created the situation at hand. And that they would lie about me to make themselves look better.
Would I have stayed if Bruce Marks were still Artistic Director? Probably.
I could never be completely sure. And I know that astrologically I was in a Saturn return, which is a moment when I am to choose another life path.
So, change probably would have come regardless.
But I had watched Rudolf Nureyev not be able to retire gracefully. I did not want that circumstance. I did not want to look like an old, failing ballerina that others would take pity on.
I could feel that this was my moment to leap.
In meditation, my guides told me that if I waited, even another year, that I would miss critical doors that would allow for the most grace and ease possible in this tricky situation. They assured me that this was the perfect time and the perfect moment.
My friend Mary Ann Lind and I retired that same year.
We both knew the writing was on the wall. We could see that Mr. Hart was going to try to get rid of all the older ballerinas that had their own mindsets. He did not like those that questioned him or his choices.
We could see Mr. Hart catering to those younger dancers that were eager to be molded and who intended to listen to him.
That was not us. And we knew it.
We understood it all too well. We had been those younger dancers. It was the process every dancer goes through at the beginning.
We wanted them to have those moments.
Suddenly, I felt older and a bit too wise to be in this dreamy but very magical world.
I knew I was growing up and becoming what I was destined to become.
Mary Ann had also fallen in love, and she too was going to embark in the direction of being a Physical Therapist.
Funny how (so often) there are those in our lives that parallel each other.
I believe it is so that we see another as a mirror that understands those same wants and needs.
Such a mirror allows us to feel not alone and that perhaps our choice and our path is sound after all.
A new adventure awaited ahead of me.
I was ready, willing, and I thought … able.
The truth was that I was going to have a lot to learn.
And the learning curve was going to be steep and treacherous.
But I would not be alone on that climb.
And while on some levels, that would be more difficult. On others, it would be essential to have others that had more experience than me… to navigate this very unfamiliar territory.

~Suzanne Wagner~