Vane Vest – Sonny Barger

 

There are moments in my dancing days that I reflect on those that briefly passed through this life.

Vane Vest was one of them.
He was a principal ballet dancer with San Francisco ballet. We met at an event for the San Francisco Ballet many years previously, and then again in Utah during my dancing days in Ballet West.

What unfolded in meeting him was a wild ride into a world that was completely unfamiliar to me on all levels. (I have previously said doesn’t happen much in the ballet world.)

Vane Vest was an amazingly talented dancer, but he had a big flaw. That weakness was alcohol and drugs.
Specifically, cocaine.

And mixing the two.
Now, most dancers in my reality protected their body as a temple. While we had wild sides, we did not go off the deep end into the heavy drug world because it could and would destroy our body, our art, and our life. It was also very expensive and nothing that my salary could have handled.

In my day … dancers did not make hardly any money.
At Ballet West, the salary was $17,000 a year. Which did not give us any wiggle room to be spending money on such things.

Europe paid dancers well but in America if you were not a “star” you could barely survive much less, get ahead, or buy a house on $17,000 a year.

Ballet West at that time was not AGMA (The American Guild of Musical Artists), a labor union of singers, dancers, and staging staff in Opera, Ballet, Concert Dance, and Choral Performances in the US.
So, we had little protection for things such as overtime and wages.

But San Francisco Ballet was AGMA and so the salaries were better there. Living in a very expensive city, such as San Francisco … made the salaries need to be higher, just to survive.
At that time, as a principal dancer, Vane … was doing much better than myself financially.
He invited me out to San Francisco and hang out during his breaks and we started a very short, intense, relationship that did not go well from beginning to end.

There are times when upon reflection, I see that I was to be the voice of an angel trying to help him at a critical time in his life.

 

In the end he would not be able to hear the soft voice of truth over the roar of his ragingly addicted mind.

 

At first, it seemed to me that he had way too much energy and enthusiasm.
Being stupid in the ways of cocaine, I did not see that he was addicted. To me he just seemed a highly animated person with a huge amount of intensity that needed an outlet. Not uncommon in the dance world.

I saw the huge amounts of alcohol that he was drinking and that alarmed me.
Yet, he seemed to be able to manage okay and was a highly functioning alcoholic.
It is interesting for me to note that I was very naive around drugs. And that added to my not understanding or really noticing what was happening until it was in my face.
I remember going out on my breaks or for weekends to see him.

He lived over by the ocean off Skyline and had an older MG car and a Harley Davidson motorcycle.

One weekend I was there, he let me have his car to run around the city while he was doing his last rehearsals. I remember having a blast with this zippy car with the exception that the car had standard gears. And shifting into gear on the hills of San Francisco was … interesting … to say the least.

I picked him up after his rehearsals and he seemed upset and strained.

He said he wanted to go to Sonoma to the wine country and I said, “Sure.”

We got to his house and that is when he pulls out the cocaine and begins really going for it.

I stood in shock at the scene unfolding. Realizing only now, where his endless amounts of energy were really coming from.

He offered it to me, but I politely said that it was not what I did. He smiled and said, “Great! More for me!”

Then he started downing alcohol and I watched his personality rapidly shift into something that I did not recognize.
Ragingly high he said we were going to Sonoma on his bike.

Inside my head I am thinking, “Are you insane!”

I told him calmly; I think we should stay and I will make him some dinner here tonight.

He agreed with me but insisted that we should go the next day and leave in the morning to go wine tasting.

That sounded more reasonable. And for the moment, I was relieved.

So, I made him dinner, the drinking continued, and I saw that there was way too much cocaine in the house.
More than a normal person needed, and I surmised that he was probably dealing. That must be how he was able to pay for the nice house, the car, and the Harley Davidson Motorcycle.
At that moment, I wondered, “What had I gotten myself into?”

That evening, he and I went to make love and let’s just say that things were not going according to plan.

I learned in this encounter that cocaine/alcohol addicts have trouble keeping things working during sex and he was getting frustrated at not being able to do the obvious.

At some point in the process, he stepped towards the bed and then jumped like someone had kicked him in the butt.

He spun around looking to see what had hit him.

He could not see what I could see.
What I saw was a guide/angel kicking him.

The angel looked at me and said, “He is about to lose his job at San Francisco Ballet because of all this insanity! Suzanne, you have been chosen to try to shift him out of this pattern that can potentially kill him. You will probably fail. He will probably not listen, but this is one in a series of warning shots that he is going to get to attempt to wake him up to the fact that he needs to stop doing the drugs and alcohol.”

I hear Vane yell, “Something kicked me! Did you see that?”
I said, “Yes” and told him what the angel/guide said.

He stood there with a shocked look on his face and said, “Are you shitting me? You are some crazy bitch!”

And I said, “Nope! Not crazy … just psychic!”

This guide clearly did not like him and was making it clear to me and him that he was very off.

Vane stormed out of the room, and I let him disappear in his dust cloud of cocaine. And I … went to sleep.

The next morning, he was saner and was more open to a deeper conversation.

He admitted that he had been called in that day to the office at San Francisco Ballet, and that the director had given him a warning that his behavior was out of control and that they wanted to send him to a rehab … Which he refused and was not going to do.

I tried to jokingly say, “Instead of wine, women, and cocaine … Perhaps it is better to have women, women, and more women!”
He laughed at my joke but still did not grasp the seriousness of the confrontation that happened the day before. He was clearly in denial and avoidance.
He did ask more about my psychic abilities and I gave him answers that he could absorb after an evening of drug and alcohol induced delusions.
It was clear that too much detail would escape his current level of awareness.
He said, “Let’s go to Sonoma on the bike!”
I agreed, believing he was more in control of his faculties.

I got ready and we went down to the garage and got on his Harley Davidson.

And off we went, across the Golden Gate Bridge to wine country.

It felt great to be on a bike again. We had dirt bikes when I was a kid, and I loved the feel of the wind in my face.
We get to Sonoma and start going to different wineries and doing wine tastings.

Quickly I realize (once again) the rapid onset of his addictive behavior.
Just when I start to be concerned about him driving on his bike (with me on the back), he pulls out a bag of cocaine and takes a hit.

Now, I am really concerned.

But the cocaine kept his mind alert, and he was not acting like a drunken sailor and his ability to drive the bike seemed safe enough.

I asked the angels to put a bubble around us and protect us from this craziness. And I felt that bubble envelope us and for the moment, I knew we were safe.

We end up back in San Francisco at the end of the day. He wants me to get dressed as he is going to take me out to dinner.
So, I put on my burnt orange, strapless, jumpsuit, and we get into the MG and go out on the town.
Well … he does not take me to a nice restaurant but to a bar!
It looks like a biker bar and there are a lot of Harley’s outside.

I am just glad we are back in the city in one piece.

And if I need to, I can take a cab back home to his house.

We go into the bar and as soon as we get there he goes up to some guy (clearly a dealer) and they disappear into the back somewhere.

I am sitting alone in the booth, by myself. Wondering if or when he is going to come back. Knowing full well that he is getting high, I begin wondering what I can do to get home in one piece without causing some big scene.

That is when a burley bearded biker guy with a Hell’s Angel jacket comes up to me and asks if I am here by myself?

I said, “No, I am here with my boyfriend!”
He asked, “Who is your boyfriend?”

I answered, “Vane Vest”

He smirked and said, “Why are you with THAT loser?”

I had to laugh. I nodded my head and I had to agree with him.

I said that it was pretty new, and I was just realizing the situation.
He offered to buy me a drink and sit with me because otherwise I was going to be prey for all the other bikers in the bar.

I agreed and he orders some aperitif that was delicious, sweet, fruity, and not so strong that I was going to feel drunk. He said that he had the bar keep this bottle for him specially for particular moments.

I laughed and said, “Moments like this to impress some naïve girl, right?”
He nodded, saying, “You got that right!”

He sits across from me, and we start talking. He was very intelligent and smart. He could clearly hold a conversation and was polite, not pushy, and calm as a cucumber.

At one point he says to me, “Do you want to dance?”

I never refuse a chance to dance and said, “Yes”

We started dancing to the music and my orange jumpsuit at the top starts to slip down and I have to keep pulling it up.

Finally, with a twinkle in his eye, he says, “Oh honey, please don’t keep pulling that top up!”

I had to laugh!

We go back to the table, and he finally says, “You don’t know who I am … do you?”

I said “No!”
He extends his hand and says, “Hi my name is Sonny Barger. What is yours?”

I tell him and he is looking at me to see if something registers. Clearly, he was expecting me to react to his name. But I honestly did not recognize his name nor know who he was.

He sits back smiling, surprised, but oddly content. He keeps measuring me and my responses.

I now see Vane in the background talking to one of the other bikers and something is being negotiated. I am clear that he is buying more cocaine or something of the sort.
Sonny sees me observing the interaction calmly.

He says, “Vane is going to be useless for the rest of the evening. Do you want to go for a bike ride with me on my Rigid Framed Harley!”

Now, even I know what that means. A rigid framed bike is an older style of bike that one feels each bump in the road. Honestly it is like sitting a vibrator.

I knew what his intentions were.

I smiled and politely refused. Letting him know with my eyes that I knew what he was up to.

His boyish grin said it all and he shrugged his shoulders saying, “I couldn’t resist giving that offer a try!”
Then he handed me his card, and said, “If you need anything! Just give me a call!” I will remember your name. Someone will find me!”
I thanked him but knew that using that number was never going to be an option at any point in my life.

I could see the power in the presence, the confidence in his manner, and the eyes that were quick to notice all things happening in the room.
He was a Hell’s Angel. He might not be at the top but he would be eventually. Even I could see the energy that moved around him.

The moment he got up, all the other bikers got up instantly. Sonny moving was the signal that everyone was done and that they were all leaving.

 

I had one more encounter with Vane months later and I will tell that in another story.

But it was clear that the world that Vane was leaning into was going deeply into the dark side of the force and that was a place that I did not need or want to go. I knew I could not save his job or him. I knew he could not stop doing what he was doing, and that the ballet company would fire him.
Which it did months later.
It was clear that his path was not mine and that I was to let him go. It was not my job to save him. Nor did he want to be saved. The lure of the dark forces in life were too seductive and I did not have enough light to pull him out of it.

There are moments when I sense that powerful presence inside that takes over the control and direction of my life. It has steered me away from many dangerous moments and people. I have always been protected and I know that I am safe because of some deep wisdom that lives inside.

 

I have had many strange moments such as this encounter. Many moments when I would bump into very powerful people that could have changed my life and destiny in dramatic ways.

I always had the intuitive knowing that allowed me to connect authentically with them without feeling intimidated or less than.

That was because regardless of how the external world gaged my personal power, I knew that inside I was an equal to all those that I have connected with in many unusual and influential circles.
While I have been nervous at times and self-conscious in certain situations, I have never felt unworthy or that I was not supposed to be in a place. I have learned a lot from the people I have encountered.
I like the raw, authentic engagements that become a dance of energy, words, games, and mental stimulation.
Few understand this type of engaging power play.
Yet, I am right at home in those spaces.

Often, those that hold and have power, will also hold more presence than others. They can authentically hold space and command attention.

They control the energies in particular environments and know how to work those around them into movements that fit what they want.
Most people are puppets on their strings. But they recognized those that do not want to be one of those puppets.

I have never been a joiner, nor will I dance to a puppet masters whims.

I have never needed to fit into the boxes that others created in order to define myself.
I know that is why people in power have been attracted to me.
I always meet them on equal footing and respect the forces of energy that move between us … individually and together.

~Suzanne Wagner~