A Day Navigating My Mother’s Dementia

Well, my day with my mother was lovely on so many levels. First of all, the staff is incredible and space that she lives is completely lovely. Clearly she is adored and there are private apartments and shared spaces where people can be together watch television, read, talk, share stories, cook, and eat. So if she wants privacy she has that and if she doesn’t there are options.
Dealing with my mother long distance has been tricky because she has always loved to complain and find fault. This situation adds to her dysfunction and her dementia as she has aged. It is so hard to stop behaviors that have been so deeply ingrained over time and because of the terrible childhood in which she was raised. To her credit, she did 19 years worth of work with a Jungian Psychiatrist in Dallas when I was a child and it definitely shifted many patterns and changed her life in many ways.
But as her mind slowly recedes, old patterns resurface and with this terrible disease I recognize that some lessons disintegrate in the fears that begin to emerge as one is dying.
On the whole I was extremely happy and pleased with my choice and that I am able to have her in this wonderful spot. One hears horror stories and this place is probably as good as it can get in such situations. She is safe and while on some physical levels she is stronger than many where she is, her mind is playing tricks on her and even she says that this place is much better than the independent living space I had her previously. It is quieter and she is catered to and she needs that constant attention and to talk to others.
After the Covid years of terrible aloneness, the interaction is so much better for her. My sister has arranged a bonified Dementia doctors visit on the 18^th and I hope we will get some clearer answers to some of her behaviors and perhaps some medication that will ease the anxiety.
We walked around the beautiful grounds and saw all the flowers and the lovely waterfalls and gardens that are giving up the last of their beauty as the cold starts to seep into the season. I pay to have someone take her for a walk each day and it is money well spent. My mother is a flower junkie and has always had to point out all the beautiful flowers and smell all the roses. I am grateful that on a physical level she is capable of walking even with a cane.
Though she has slowed down a lot. And it is clear that death is consistently checking in on her.
I was pleased with her room and with dementia, getting rid of so much stuff and simplifying has worked out well. She loves her room and has the family pictures up. She talks to her dad and my dad in the pictures telling them she loves them and misses them both. I could clearly feel my father there with her and told her so.
At this time, the small things matter and the little reminders that I made sure she had that were pleasant have worked to soothe her nerves and make her feel at home and safe.
I took her to lunch and she wanted pizza and a salad. She clearly wanted things her way and the waitress was very kind to let her have them.
We did a little shopping for the winter and got her some ski pants that are waterproof so she can continue to walk outside in the cold weather. The staff makes sure all the walkways are clear and she has great snow boots already and she is only allowed to walk with staff.
So while this day went as smoothly as possible, it was exhausting as I started early in the morning to do all the Numerology, Astrology, and blogs for the following day and I made two batches of chocolate chip cookies with pecans and coconut.
Somehow the strain of it all got to me by the end of the day and I got a migraine that started around 4 pm and by 5 pm I had to retreat to my sister’s house and get medication to calm it down and I laid down in a dark room from 5:30 until this morning at 5:30.
I have not had a migraine in a while and I did not have my medication with me. Thank God my sister had hers.
These moments are sweet and sad all at the same time. I am very proud of my choices and actions and see that all of them have been for my mother’s greater good. I am grateful that my father created enough money that we are able to afford his high-quality care for her and on many levels, she is happier than when she was living in her house though she misses her independence. I have explained to the staff that my mother needs a job, and they have her teaching cooking classes and helping in small but meaningful ways with others.
At 87 it is clear that she is on that slippery slope and while she can keep it together for short periods of time, in the bigger scheme of things she is (on all levels) slowly failing.
I wonder at the meaning of my migraine at this time. I am sure I was attempting to do all the skills for dealing with the Dementia patients that I had learned online and they were working. But as a new skill, it required a great deal of attention.
I think it also was coming from my ongoing realization of how time is short for all of us and for my mother much more so. Recognizing reality and the reflections of the many past moments can be painfully poignant.
After 12 hours of sleep and feeling the morning light awaken the life once again, I am ready for today.
My sister and I are going to take her to a place by the river for lunch today. It is her favorite place.
I focus on the love and continuing to generate memories of family and giving the caring respect that I hope everyone can experience as they are aging and dying.
Wish me luck. Send positive energy so I don’t get another migraine today. Thank you for listening.

~Suzanne Wagner~